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Enjoy our collection of people jokes, after all that’s what they are here for!

The Men’s Rules

      Birthdays and anniversaries should not be challenges to see if we can again find the perfect present for you.

 

      Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

 

      Sunday is sports day. It’s like gravity or a full moon or gravity. Let it be.

 

      Just ask for what you want. Let’s be clear on this. Subtle hints don’t work. Nor do strong or even obvious hints. So just simply tell us what you want.

 

      We don’t remember dates. So write birthdays and anniversaries on the calendar and remind us frequently before the event.

 

      Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl now, so if it’s up, don’t moan, just put it down. We need it up and you never hear us complaining when you leave it down.

 

      Shopping is not a sport and we are never, ever going to think of it as such.

 

      Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to most questions.

 

      Christopher Columbus didn’t need directions and neither do we.

 

      Only come to us with a problem if you really want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends do.

 

      Anything we said over 3 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

 

      If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us. We won’t answer.

 

      Most men own at most three pairs of shoes. So what makes you think we’re any good at helping you decide which pair of your shoes, out of forty, goes best with your dress?

 

      If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

 

      Men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour and we have no idea what mauve is.

 

      We are not mind readers and never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

 

      If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

 

      When we have to go out somewhere, anything you wear is fine. Really.

 

      If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

 

    Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don’t mind that, it’s like camping.
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Aren’t Women Funny Joke

Bertha and her husband were watching a very sad play – an old-fashioned melodrama about unrequited love in which one of the sweethearts commits suicide and the other is beset with tragedy after bitter tragedy. Before the first act was over every women in the theater was weeping.
But Bertha’s husband was unmoved. “Ridiculous!” he snorted every few minutes. At one particular scene, as the heroine lay dying in her lover’s arms, and Bertha sobbed aloud, he actually laughed.
Bertha turned to him. “Look,” she cried furiously through her tears, “if you don’t like the play why don’t you go home and at least let me enjoy myself!”

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Posted in Women Jokes

Beautiful Stone Joke

A presser in a tailor shop arrived one morning wearing a good sized diamond ring. One of the tailors noticed the sparkler and asked about it.
“My mother-in-law gave me a thousand dollars before she passed away. She said that when she dies, I should buy a beautiful stone. So I did!

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Posted in Mother In Law Jokes
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Eyebrows Joke

I told my friend that she drew her eyebrows on too high.
She looked surprised.

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Posted in Funny Puns, Women Jokes

Differences between Men and Women

• Women have more imagination than men. They need it to tell men how wonderful they are.
• Women have a number of faults. Men have only two – everything they say and everything they do.
• A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
• Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
• When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. When men are depressed, they invade another country.
• A man is a person who will pay £2 for a £1 item he wants. A woman, however, will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn’t want.
• Diamonds are a girl’s best friend. Dogs are a man’s best friend. Now you know which sex is smarter.
• It’s not true that men prefer foolish women. Rather they prefer women who can pretend to be foolish whenever necessary, which is the very core of intelligence.
• Men always want to be a woman’s first love. Women have a more subtle instinct: What they like is to be a man’s last romance.
• To be happy with a man, a woman must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, a man must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
• A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change and she does.
• Men marry because they are tired; women marry because they are curious. Both are disappointed.
• A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband, while a man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
• A woman will always cherish the memory of the man who wanted to marry her; a man will always cherish the memory of the woman who he didn’t.
• There are two times when a man doesn’t understand a woman – before marriage and after marriage.
• Only two things are necessary for a man to do to keep his wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.
• Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
• Any married man should forget his mistakes – it’s no use two people remembering the same thing.
• Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke.
• Husbands are like cars: all are good the first year.
• A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

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Posted in Husband Wife Jokes, Marriage Jokes, Men Jokes, Women Jokes

Raising Kids Joke

Sandy and Norman were in despair. Their 3 year old son Timmy still had not learned how to talk. Not a word had escaped through those now 3 year old lips. One night at dinner, Timmy took a taste of his pie, and to their utter surprise and amazement, said: “You call this pie? It tastes like some tasteless mush!”. Sandy and Norman sat there in shock, for this was not just their son’s first sentence, but the first words he ever uttered! Once the initial shock had subsided, Norman asked “tell me Timmy, how come you never spoke until now?” “I never had any reason to” explained Timmy. “Everything was always fine.”

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Posted in Food Jokes, People Jokes

Present Joke

John  gingerly walked up to the sales lady in the clothing store “I would like to buy my wife a pretty pink scarf. ” “How cute” exclaimed the sales lady,  “sounds like it’s going to be a great surprise.” “It sure is” said John “she’s expecting a new car!”

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Posted in Husband Jokes, Men Jokes

Door Bell Joke

Everyone loved Priest John. He was a happy jolly fellow always willing to help or lend a hand. One time John was walking down the street humming a tune when he saw a little boy trying to reach the doorbell of a nearby house.  “Hey there sonny” said John “let me help you out”, and with that  John reached out and pressed the bell. “Anything else I can do for you,” asked John with a smile. “Yes” said the boy. “Run! We’ve only got a few seconds before they come!”

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Posted in Cute Jokes, Life Jokes

Casino Joke

Did you hear the story about the middle aged lady who went to the casino?  Sandy went to the casino for the first time and ended up by a table playing roulette.  “How does one decide which number to pick?”  She wondered aloud.  “I picked my age” suggested an older gentleman on her left.  So Sandy decided to pick the number thirty two.  The Croupier gave the wheel a spin, it landed on forty seven, and Sandy fell over in a faint.

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Posted in Women Jokes

Men Vs. Woman Joke #2

Male Vs. Female

NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel
The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and , best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing!

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Posted in Men Jokes, Women Jokes
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