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Funny Stories

Enjoy our collection of funny stories, after all that’s what they are here for!

Seeing Eye Dog Joke

Posted in Funny Stories, Pet Jokes

A man and his wife were going for a stroll one night when they spotted what was obviously a blind man taking a walk on the other side of the street with his seeing eye dog.

“Wow! Isn’t that something!” remarked the wife, “look at that man taking a stroll just like us.”

They continued strolling for a few minutes longer when they heard the man let out a loud yelp. The dog had walked him right into a parked car and he had clearly banged his shin pretty hard. Rushing over to help, they were surprised to see the man reach into his pocket and pull out a treat for the dog.

“Isn’t that weird?” whispered the wife, “giving him a treat even when he’s mad.”

“Why are you giving him a treat?” questioned the husband.

“I AINT GIVING HIM A TREAT!” said the enraged man, “I’M JUST TRYING TO FIND OUT WHERE HIS HEAD IS, SO I CAN GIVE HIM A SHARP KICK IN THE BEHIND!

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Fatty Joke

Posted in Funny Stories, Husband Wife Jokes, Life Jokes, Relationship Jokes, Women Jokes

There were no two ways about it.  Rosie was fat.  Very fat.  “Martha”, said Rosie to her best friend, “it was terrible what happened yesterday after the birthday party. You know how half of the birthday cake was left over? Well, I knew Bob would be fuming at me for eating it,with my diet and all, but I couldn’t help myself, it started with just a small nibble and before I knew it the whole cake was gone!.”

“Oh my!” clucked Martha, “was Bob really upset?”

“He never found it”, responded Rosie with a full double chin smile, “I just baked another cake and ate half of it!”

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Toilet Brush Joke

Posted in Clever Jokes, Funny Stories, Life Jokes, Women Jokes

Lauren was frustrated. She had complained dozens of times to her daughter about her newest gag of kissing the bathroom mirror immediately after applying lipstick, but it was all to no avail. Finally, one day after spending a half hour scrubbing the mirror, only to find another kiss mark an hour later, Lauren had enough. “Lizzy!” she hollered, “What?” came her daughter’s reply through her bedroom door. I can’t find the toilet brush that I’ve been using to clean the bathroom mirror. Do you have any idea where it is?”

After hearing the gagging from behind the bedroom door, Lauren knew her days of cleaning kiss marks off of mirrors were over.

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Adult Underwear Joke

Posted in Funny Stories, Life Jokes

I was in Target with my wife when my wife said, “you know, I feel like Billy is too big to still be wearing Micky Mouse underwear, don’t you think he should be wearing something more manly, like superman underwear?”

All it took was a shrug of my shoulders and there were nine new pairs of underwear in the cart.

I didn’t realize how right my wife was until I heard an excited holler coming from my sons room, “WooHoo finally some adult underwear!

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First Time Parents Joke

Posted in Funny Stories, Life Jokes

“Honey!” screamed my wife, running outside to my bike once again, “did you double check that Herbie’s seat is attached securely?!”

“Yeah let me check that just one more time” I muttered, checking the seat for what must have been the tenth time.

“OK”, I said nervously, to my two year old Herby, “are you ready for your first bike ride?”

“Let me just check your helmet again…perfect ..now your knee pads..good… now your elbow pads..perfect.”

And with that, I lifted my foot to get on top of the bike, and nailed my two year old smack in the jaw!

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Community Service Joke

Posted in Funny Stories

Lisa, a 16 year old girl, nervously brought her most recent boyfriend home with her to meet her parents.  Although Lisa was very fond of him she was nervous about what sort of  impression he’d make on her parents.  After all, he was full of tattoos and rings all over his body.

“Mom,” said Lisa nervously, ” I would like you to meet  Spike, my boyfriend, Spike this is my Mom.” After a few minutes of small talk and pleasantries, Lisa’s Mom called her over and whispered “Lisa, I don’t like him, he just doesn’t seem very nice!”

“Mom please!” retorted Lisa, “if he’s not a nice guy how can you explain the forty hours of community service he does a week?!”

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Leftovers Joke

Posted in Food Jokes, Funny Stories, People Jokes

“Oh no! not leftovers again!” complained my older sister when she saw the leftover meatloaf on the table from last nights supper.

“Young lady” responded my father sternly, “do you know how many people would love to have a delicious supper like this?! You should be ashamed of yourself! Now before we start eating I want to hear you say grace thanking the Lord for this delicious meal!”

“Thank you Lord for this delicious supper”, muttered my sister submissively “….again!”

 

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Birth Control Joke

Posted in Funny Stories, Life Jokes, People Jokes

“Alright! I’ll drive them to the field trip tomorrow!” Sighed my neighbor resignedly. Sure enough the next day found her with a van full of  7 to 10 year olds.

Clearly distracted, my neighbor  cruised right through a stop sign, “Don’t you know how to stop?” Screamed the exasperated crossing guard, running towards the car.

My neighbor stopped her car, looked the crossing guard straight in the eye and said clearly upset, “what makes you think they are all mine?!”

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Feeling Pregnant Joke

Posted in Funny Stories, Husband Jokes, Relationship Jokes, Wife Jokes

“Ok everyone,” said the the instructor at the birthing class trying to get everyone’s attention. “We are going to do an exercise now, that’s purpose is to  help the men sympathize with their partners.”

“We have here what’s called a pregnancy suit,” said the woman instructor, holding up an artificial stomach with a strap.  “This imitates the feeling of being pregnant.” Which Husband volunteers to be the first one to try it on?”

“I will” said one man, taking the suit and trying it on.  “This isn’t too bad said the man walking around. I think I could get used to this.” “Ok”, said the instructor smiling, “now I would like you to bend down and pick up my pen from the floor.”

“You want me to pick it up?”  he said hesitantly,  “just as I would if I was pregnant?” “Yes!” said the instructor.

“Honey,” said the man turning to his spouse “do you mind picking up that pen for me?”

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Landlord Joke

Posted in Funny Stories, Life Jokes, Long Jokes

“Sir you have got to help!” said the tearful man at the door. “There is a family that I know very well that is in desperate need of money. The Father has been out of a job for over a year, they have five kids at home with barely a bit of food to eat. The worst part is, that they are about to kicked out of the house and they will be left on the streets without a roof over their heads!” The man concluded with one last heart wrenching sob.

“Well,” said the man at the door, “that really is a sad story. Why don’t you come inside and we’ll talk about it a little more.”

“So how much money is needed exactly?” asked the man when they were both seated.

“Oh it’s really terrible”, said the man starting up again, “why just for the rent $3000 is needed by tomorrow otherwise they’ll be kicked out onto the streets.”

“How do you know so much about this situation?” asked the man as he reached for his check book.

“Well,” said the man breaking down once more “they are my tenants.”

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