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Clean Jokes

Enjoy our collection of funny stories, after all that’s what they are here for!

Leftovers Joke

Posted in Food Jokes, Funny Stories, People Jokes

“Oh no! not leftovers again!” complained my older sister when she saw the leftover meatloaf on the table from last nights supper.

“Young lady” responded my father sternly, “do you know how many people would love to have a delicious supper like this?! You should be ashamed of yourself! Now before we start eating I want to hear you say grace thanking the Lord for this delicious meal!”

“Thank you Lord for this delicious supper”, muttered my sister submissively “….again!”

 

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Birth Control Joke

Posted in Funny Stories, Life Jokes, People Jokes

“Alright! I’ll drive them to the field trip tomorrow!” Sighed my neighbor resignedly. Sure enough the next day found her with a van full of  7 to 10 year olds.

Clearly distracted, my neighbor  cruised right through a stop sign, “Don’t you know how to stop?” Screamed the exasperated crossing guard, running towards the car.

My neighbor stopped her car, looked the crossing guard straight in the eye and said clearly upset, “what makes you think they are all mine?!”

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Feeling Pregnant Joke

Posted in Funny Stories, Husband Jokes, Relationship Jokes, Wife Jokes

“Ok everyone,” said the the instructor at the birthing class trying to get everyone’s attention. “We are going to do an exercise now, that’s purpose is to  help the men sympathize with their partners.”

“We have here what’s called a pregnancy suit,” said the woman instructor, holding up an artificial stomach with a strap.  ”This imitates the feeling of being pregnant.” Which Husband volunteers to be the first one to try it on?”

“I will” said one man, taking the suit and trying it on.  ”This isn’t too bad said the man walking around. I think I could get used to this.” “Ok”, said the instructor smiling, “now I would like you to bend down and pick up my pen from the floor.”

“You want me to pick it up?”  he said hesitantly,  ”just as I would if I was pregnant?” “Yes!” said the instructor.

“Honey,” said the man turning to his spouse “do you mind picking up that pen for me?”

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Landlord Joke

Posted in Funny Stories, Life Jokes, Long Jokes

“Sir you have got to help!” said the tearful man at the door. “There is a family that I know very well that is in desperate need of money. The Father has been out of a job for over a year, they have five kids at home with barely a bit of food to eat. The worst part is, that they are about to kicked out of the house and they will be left on the streets without a roof over their heads!” The man concluded with one last heart wrenching sob.

“Well,” said the man at the door, “that really is a sad story. Why don’t you come inside and we’ll talk about it a little more.”

“So how much money is needed exactly?” asked the man when they were both seated.

“Oh it’s really terrible”, said the man starting up again, “why just for the rent $3000 is needed by tomorrow otherwise they’ll be kicked out onto the streets.”

“How do you know so much about this situation?” asked the man as he reached for his check book.

“Well,” said the man breaking down once more “they are my tenants.”

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Prison Joke

Posted in Funny Puns, Funny Stories, Life Jokes

Brian hit rock bottom. He was going to jail for insider trading and it couldn’t get much worse than that.

As the jail warden brought Brian to his cell, Brian’s worst fears were materialized. Sitting hunched over on a bed was his soon to be roommate. He was a hunk of a man wearing a sleeveless undershirt, with vicious looking tattoos on each arm.

As Brian approached the prison cell the giant looked up at him and said in a deep booming voice, “hey man, what did you do to get yourself in here?”

“White collar crime” responded Brian nervously.

“Hey man, how about that? Me too,” the giant said.

“Phew,” said Brian feeling his body relaxing, “To be honest I got a bit nervous when I saw you.”

“Nah” responded the giant waving his hand “what’s there to be nervous about?”

“So tell me,” questioned the giant “How many priest’s did you kill?”

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Museum Joke

Posted in Funny Stories, Garage Sale Jokes

“And this over here” croaked the 90 year old museum tour guide, “is a fossil 4 million and 69 years old, on it’s left you can see another fossil that’s 2 million and 69 years old.”

“Wow! That’s really fascinating,” said a fellow in the audience, “how can you age it so accurately to the year?”

“Well that’s simple” answered the old chap, “It was two million years old when I started working here 69 years ago.”

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Horse Joke

Posted in Funny Stories, Long Jokes, Pet Jokes, Sports Jokes

Jack strode into ‘John’s Stable’ looking to buy a horse. “Listen here” said John, “I’ve got just the horse your looking for, the only thing is, he was trained by an interesting fellow. He doesn’t go and stop the usual way. The way to get him to stop is to scream heyhey the way to get him to go is to scream Thank God.

Jim nodded his head, “fine with me, can I take him for a test run?”

Jim was having the time of his life this horse sure could run he thought to himself. Jim was speeding down the dirt road when he suddenly saw a cliff up ahead “stop!” screamed Jim, but the horse kept on going. No matter how much he tried he could not remember the words to get it to stop. “yoyo” screamed Jim but the horse just kept on speeding ahead. It was 5 feet from the cliff when Jim suddenly remembered “heyhey!” Jim screamed. The horse skidded to a halt just 1 inch from the cliff.

Jim could not believe his good fortune, he looked up to the sky, raise his hands in the air, breathed a deep sigh of relief and said with conviction “Thank God.”

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Peep Joke

Posted in Funny Stories

I couldn’t stop myself from laughing last night as I was putting my 2 year old and 4 year old into bed. “I’M CLOSING THE DOOR NOW AND I DON’T WANT TO HEAR A PEEP!” I hollered. I was about to close the door in a huff when I heard my two year old standing in his crib with a defiant look on his face saying “peep, peep, peep.”

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Bitter Divorce Joke

Posted in Funny Stories, Life Jokes, Marriage Humor, Men Jokes

It was a bitter divorce, after four years of marriage and two children it was over. Sam showed up in court together with his ex to see what the verdict would be. Finally after a long court case the verdict was decided. “Ok”, said the judge, turning to Sam, “I am rewarding your ex-wife Ann $470 dollars a month.” “That’s really kind of you, and I really appreciate it” said Sam “I’ll try to send her a little bit from time to time myself.”

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LOL Joke

Posted in Funny Stories, Old People Jokes, Women Jokes

John angrily looked at the text he had just received from his Mom.  It read: “Professor called to say you failed the course.  LOL.  Mom. ”  How could he have failed?! … And all his Mom has to say is that she’s Laughing Out Loud?!  Fed up, he text-ed his Mom: “What was up with the LOL?”  his text said.   “I just wanted to send you Lot’s Of Love because I know how disappointed you must be.”

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