Enjoy our collection of jewish jokes, after all that’s what they are here for!
After recess the first grade teacher announced “I am going to go around the room and ask you what you did during recess, if you can write what you did on the board you’ll get a lollipop.” The first girl asked was Jessica “Jessica what did you do during recess?” “I played in the sand box.” “OK” the teacher said “let me see you write the word ‘box’ on the board.” She did and got a lollipop.
Next was Tom “I played with Jessica in the sand box.” “OK, let me see you write the word ‘sand’ on the board.” He did and got a lollipop.
The next one was Billy Goldberg “Well”, Billy said, “I tried to play in the sand box, but Jessica and Tom threw rocks at me.” “What?” The Teacher said “they threw rocks at you that sounds like outright anti semitism to me. If you can write ‘outright antisemitism’ on the board you’ll get a lollipop!”
In the year 2000 Joe Lieberman ran for president, being that he was the first potential Jew in high office he was given a lot of attention. After a disappointing loss Joe walked into his house. “Don’t worry” said his wife “in this house you’ll always be vice president!”
Once two ladies came before King Solomon, fighting over a boy. “He’s my son-in law” one said “No he’s mine” countered the other. After thinking for a few minutes the King finally decided on a ruling. “Bring me my sword and we will cut the boy in half, they will each get half.” “No” the first lady screamed “don’t cut him in half I would rather the second lady get the whole son-in-law.” Ah Hah said King Solomon with a big smile I now know who is the real mother-in-law. For a only the real mother-in-law would stand quietly while her son-in-law gets cut in half.”
I was at a children’s zoo with my children happily feeding the goats when I noticed a toddler shoving the pellets into his mouth. Scared that it could be dangerous I ran over to stop him, but before I could get there I heard his mother scolding him “Don’t eat those they’re not kosher” -Julie Kornfeld
The President of a congregation went to visit the Rabbi in the hospital, who had just suffered a mild heart-attack.He said,”Rabbi, the board just voted 10 to 4 to wish you a speedy recovery.”
Three men, a Frenchman, an Italian, and a Jew, were condemned to be executed. Their captors told them that they had the right to have a final meal before the execution. They asked the Frenchman what he wanted.
“Give me some good French wine and French bread,” he requested. So they gave it to him, he ate it, and then they executed him.
Next it was the Italian’s turn. Give me a big plate of pasta,” said the Italian. So they brought it to him, he ate it, and then they executed him.
Now it was the Jew’s turn. “I want a big bowl of strawberries, ” said the Jew.
“Strawberries!!! They aren’t even in season!”
“So, I’ll wait…”