The story is told of a drunkard whose kids, intent on showing their father the loathsomeness of drinking, took their father when he was sober to a man plastered on the street. The father upon seeing the man crept next to him”man,” he said with a sigh of pleasure “you really got boozed what did you drink?”
So whether you are from the people who see the “beauty” of drinking, or from the people who think it’s detestable you are guaranteed to enjoy our drunk jokes.
photo credit: Manish Prabhune(マニッシュ)
Jim the town drunkard was at his wit’s end, he had no money to buy even the barest necessities for his family. It was right before going to sleep one night that Jim prayed the following emotional prayer:
“Dear Lord, please, all I’m asking for is some food to put on the table, NOTHING else! The booze I’ll buy myself.”
John was the cop in a small town where everyone knew each other. One night, during his night patrol, he spotted the town drunk walking down the street looking like he was up to no good.
“Hey!” Said John, rolling down his window. “Your not heading for any trouble, are you?”
“No sir!” Responded the drunkard with a big smile, “I’m heading to a lecture!”
A lecture?! thought the cop incredulously at 1 am!? this I gotta see!
After following him for a few blocks John was surprised to see him going into his house.
“Hey!” John screamed out his window. “I thought you were heading to a lecture?!”
The drunkard just held his index finger and headed inside.
Sure enough within a minute John heard the lecture loud and clear through the upstairs window, “JUST WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU DOING OUT ALL THIS TIME YOU NASTY GOOD-FOR-NOTHING…”
Tom’s wife was hosting a dinner party for some of her close friends, at their summer home. Moment’s before the guests were scheduled to arrive, she asked Tom if he would be ever so gracious to walk a block down to the beach to pick up some fresh snails for the party. On his way to the beach he passed the local bar, and figured he’d stop in for a quick drink before heading down to the beach to search for the snails.
One drink lead to the next, and before he knew it, it was 5:00 in the morning and he hadn’t gotten his wife those snails.
Quickly he hurried down to the beach, picked up a few snails, rushed home, and stumbled up the front steps, dropping the snails.
At that moment, his wife angrily opened the door asking him where he had been and how he had ruined her party.
Tom, looked towards the snails and said “C’mon you slow pokes! Just a few more steps and we’re there!”
Harry was sick and tired of being constantly badgered by his wife Barbara for spending so much time at the bar. Hoping it would help matters, Harry invited Barbara along with him.
“So what would you like?” Harry cordially asked, as she took her seat next to him. “Oh I don’t know” Barbara replied, “I guess I’ll take the same thing as you.”
“OK” said Harry to the bartender, “we’ll take two Johnny Walker’s on the rocks!”
Barbara barely took a sip of the drink before she started gagging “Oh my gosh! Get me a cup of water! This stuff is horrible! How do you drink this garbage?”
“See?” said Harry “and you think I come here just to have a good time?!“
‘Bob’s Tavern’ was right next door to a cemetery. One day in mid winter a drunk stumbled out of the tavern. Due to his drunk state he wasn’t careful where he was going and he fell into a freshly dug grave. “Help!” Screamed the drunk on the top of his lungs, “I’m freezing!”
Before long another drunk sauntered out of the tavern and made his way towards the first drunk’s cries. “I’m freezing!” Screamed the first drunk again.
“Of course you are” scolded the second drunk, coming closer. “You kicked off all of the dirt they had covered you with!”
The poor man was such a habitual drinker that even he was finally convinced that he was an alcoholic . At his family’s urging he went to see a psychiatrist. After a lengthy consultation, the doctor sternly ordered that hereafter, every time the patient got drunk he was to report his transgression the very next day.
A few days later the patient staggered into the psychiatrist’s office.
“I wanna report that I wash drunk last night,” he mumbled.
“For heaven’s sake, man, you’re drunk right now! ”cried the doctor.
“Yeah I know,” said the patient, “but I’m gonna report this tomorrow.”
Doctor: “I am not exactly sure of the cause. I think it could be due to alcohol.”
Patient: “That’s OK. I will come back when you are sober.”
A cop pulled over a car and finds a young couple in the front seat. “Where’s your seat belt young man?” asked the cop. “Oh, I just took if off now when you were walking up to the car”, responded the man. “No you didn’t!” exclaimed his wife, “you never wear your seat belt!”. A little taken aback, the cop asked to see his license. “Aw shucks!” cried the man, “I must have left it home!” “Yeah right!” screamed his wife, “You know it expired 3 months ago!” At a loss for words, the cop asked the woman “are you always so tough on him?!” “No” responded the young woman, “only when he had too much to drink!”.
A cop is doing standard patrol when he notices a car swerving all over the road. He quickly turns on his siren and pulls the guy over. “Alright,” says the cop, when the man gets out of the car. “Walk in a straight line.” “I’d be happy to,” says the drunk “just stop moving the stupid line.”