Clean Jokes

Diet Cartoon

Posted in Funny Cartoons

pizza1

Lady will stick to her diet no matter what!

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Beach Joke

Posted in Cute Jokes, Funny Stories

I live in Montreal, and for that reason my children have never been to a beach before. On our first family trip down South we decided one of the first things we were going to do was head to a beach.

As soon as we saw the sand my kids went running off excitedly looking for seashells. “Mom!” screamed my five year old, running towards me with his hands full. “I found hundreds of them right next to each other!”

With that he excitedly opened up his little hands revealing a handful of shells,

not sea shells,

but pistachio nut shells!

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Wife Is The Boss Joke

Posted in Funny Cartoons

yes maam1
Husband talks about who wears the pants in his house.

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Cute Rabbit Joke

Posted in Funny Stories

I was in a pet store picking up some pet food for my dog when I overheard the following conversation. A cute girl peaks over the counter and politely asks the sales representative. “I’m interested in buying a rabbit.” “Oh sure we’ve got lots of rabbits” gushed the motherly sales  representative. “Do you have any specific color in mind? We’ve got some adorable white Bunnies down this isle.” The lady exclaimed.

“Oh” said the cute girl with a wave of her hand, “I really don’t think my boa constrictor would care about what color it is!”

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Phone Cartoon

Posted in Funny Cartoons

phone1

Kid loses phone and thinks of new invention.

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Telemarketer Joke

Posted in Death Jokes, Funny Stories, Office Jokes, Work Jokes

Listen a job is a job, we all need to find away to put bread on the table don’t we? To make a long story short I’m a telemarketer that’s my job and that’s what I do.

It’s not a job everyone appreciates, but it’s a job I enjoy and am proud of.

The other day I called a house and a real nice lady answered the phone, she was really helpful and friendly, she was the type of lady that helps a telemarketer get through a long day. After some pleasantries  I asked  if Mr. Smith was in, “I’m sorry”, she answered “I’m afraid he doesn’t live here anymore.”

Now that was a real disappointment being that she was a nice lady and all, but I took it all in a stride, “I’m sorry to hear that ma’am. Do you happen to have his new number.”

“Sure thing!” The woman cheerfully replied,  listing off his new number.

I hung up the phone and quickly called the new number and was surprised to hear a recording.

“Thank you for calling Green Acres Cemetery…”

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Present For Husband Cartoon

Posted in Funny Cartoons

trade1
Friend makes a funny wisecrack over her friend buying a present for her husband.

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Bad Date Joke

Posted in Dating Jokes, Funny Stories, Relationship Jokes

“Hi Sarah, listen I only have a minute.  I’m about to get picked up for a blind date, can you call me in a half hour just in case it’s going bad? Yes? Ok great! We’ll speak.”

Raquel gave herself a quick spray of perfume, checked herself out one more time in the mirror, and headed outside to wait for the guy.

Sure enough after twenty minutes Raquel was  discreetly checking her watch. After ten more long minutes her phone finally buzzed.

Raquel listened for a few seconds, grimly pursed her lips, and turned to her date, “I feel terrible, but my Grandmother is terribly sick, and I must go home now .”

“No problem!” Said her date with a big grin, “in a few more minutes my dog was going to get run over!”
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Student Cartoon

Posted in Funny Cartoons

teacher1
Son confesses his lack of attention to his studies.

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Sleeping Pill Joke

Posted in Funny Stories, Life Jokes

“Excuse me sir,” said the man to one of the stewards on an Amtrak Train, “I always get nauseous when I go on trains, so I am going to to take a heavy sleeping pill, but please do whatever you can to make sure I get off when it stops in Baltimore. I really don’t want to miss my great aunt’s funeral.” “Sure thing!” said the steward happily, we’ll make you sure you get off!”

Six hours later the train stopped in Washington D.C. and the man jumped out of his seat in a panic, “WHAT THE HECK! I ASKED YOU TO WAKE ME UP IN BALTIMORE!”

“Oh boy! He looks mad!” Remarked the fellow behind him to his wife.

“Not half as mad as that other guy they carried off back in Baltimore.” She whispered back.

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