The only time incorrectly isn’t spelled incorrectly is when it’s spelled incorrectly.
Q. What word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it?
1. We have a genetic predisposition for diarrhea.
Runs in our jeans.
2. Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.
3. I tried to catch fog yesterday,
4. Why did the scarecrow get a raise?
He was outstanding in his field.
5. Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.
6. Someone stole my Microsoft Office and they’re gonna pay.
You have my Word.
7. My wife accused me of being immature.
I told her to get out of my fort.
8. What do you call a woman on the arm of a banjo player?
9. I called a psychic once. She asked who was on the line, so I hung up.
10. I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him run faster.
If anything, it made him more sluggish.
“Sugar why don’t you sit down by the table and we’ll start supper.” Said Dorothy to her Husband of 50 years. “Sure thing,” said her husband settling himself down.
“Now darling, would you like the soup first or the salad?” Questioned Dorothy.
“Umm I guess I’ll take the soup.” He responded.
After a whole meal of one endearing term after another, their guest Bob couldn’t contain his curiosity any longer. Bob snuck into the kitchen and asked, “Dorothy do you always talk to your husband like that?”
“Bob, I’ll be honest with you,” Dorothy replied. “It’s been five years now, I just can’t remember his name, and I am just too embarrassed to ask him!”
A man and his wife were going for a stroll one night when they spotted what was obviously a blind man taking a walk on the other side of the street with his seeing eye dog.
“Wow! Isn’t that something!” remarked the wife, “look at that man taking a stroll just like us.”
They continued strolling for a few minutes longer when they heard the man let out a loud yelp. The dog had walked him right into a parked car and he had clearly banged his shin pretty hard. Rushing over to help, they were surprised to see the man reach into his pocket and pull out a treat for the dog.
“Isn’t that weird?” whispered the wife, “giving him a treat even when he’s mad.”
“Why are you giving him a treat?” questioned the husband.
“I AINT GIVING HIM A TREAT!” said the enraged man, “I’M JUST TRYING TO FIND OUT WHERE HIS HEAD IS, SO I CAN GIVE HIM A SHARP KICK IN THE BEHIND!
Suzie was all alone. It was two months since her dear Herbie had passed, and she just couldn’t seem to move on. “Listen here Suzie”, said her good friend Barbara, “maybe you should go see a psychic? One of my friends did it after her husband died and it made her feel so much better knowing that her dearest was happy.”
So that’s how, on the next Tuesday, Suzie found herself in a dim room with a crystal ball and a psychic talking in a calm voice. “Is he here?” Suzie asked. “Yes, I sense him,” was her reply. “Can you ask him if he’s happy?” Suzie hesistanly asked. “He’s putting his hand to his mouth like he wants to smoke” said the psychic.
“Oh, of course” said Suzie, “he needs a cigar. Herbie can never last more then a few hours without a cigar. I guess they don’t have cigars up there. Did he say where he is or how I could get one to him?” Questioned Suzie urgently. “Hmm”, said the psychic. “I can’t seem to get that question across to him. But then again,” said the psychic after a brief pause, “he didn’t say anything about needing a lighter!”
Bobby was sitting on the porch talking to his Grandpa when he innocently asked, “Grandpa, do you know how to make animal sounds?”
“I sure do” Grandpa replied. “What sort of animal sound would you like to hear?”
“How about a toad? Do you know how to sound like a toad?”
“Sure”, said Grandpa, cupping his hand to his mouth, “croaaak croaaak, how did you like that?!”
“Yipee!” screamed Bobby jumping up and down, “We are going to Miami!”
“Huh?” Questioned Grandpa. “Why’s that?”
“Because Grandma said so,” Bobby patiently explained, “she said that after you croak we’ll all go to Miami!”