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Marriage Jokes


Although it is not necessarily true with other jokes, it’s quite clear that the popularity of marriage jokes stems mostly from nervous men who are uneasy about making a commitment. Apparently, joking about how bad marriage is helps ease some of the queasiness. So by all means; men, please laugh with our collection of marriage jokes, marriage puns, and marriage quotes.If you’re nervous ,we hope it helps. If you’re a lady or a chilled man who just wants a good laugh please enjoy, you won’t be disappointed.

photo credit: BaylorBear78

It Started Joke

Posted in Husband Wife Jokes, Marriage Jokes, Relationship Jokes

John walks into his 5th floor apartment after a long day of work, he exhaustively sinks into his favorite arm chair, puts up his footrest, turns on the TV, and turns to his wife Hannah, “Honey, please get me a hard drink, I think it’s about to start.”

Hannah rolls her eyes, heads to the kitchen, takes out a beer from the fridge, and brings it to John.

“Honey”, said John, two minutes later, “please get me another one quickly before it starts.”

“WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU, YOU LAZY GOOD FOR NOTHING!” Hannah exclaimed, “DO YOU THINK I’M YOUR PERSONAL WAITER!? YOU PLOP YOURSELF DOWN ON YOUR EASY CHAIR AND EXPECT ME TO BE ON YOUR BECK AND CALL!? IS THAT ALL I’M GOOD FOR!?

John sighs, and mutters under his breath, “it started….”

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Adam and Eve Joke

Posted in Funny Speech Openers, Marriage Jokes, Relationship Jokes, Religious Jokes

Existence was so tranquil and peaceful for the young couple Adam and Eve, like straight out of a story book, until one unfortunate day when Adam showed up one hour late for supper.

By the time Adam finally came home Eve was a nervous wreck, and her imagination was working overtime.

“Honey, what happened? Why are you home so late?” Questioned Eve. “Oh I’m sorry! Adam responded with a wave of his hand, “I just lost track of the time.”

Now Eve didn’t have a Mother or girlfriend around to calm her fears, after all it was just her and her Husband and despite Adam’s convincing act  her overactive imagination could not be calmed.

That night after two hours of restlessly turning in her bed, enough was enough.

“WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING!” Hollered Adam jumping out of bed.

“YOU KNOW DARN WELL WHAT I’M DOING” Screamed Eve right back, “NOW YOU BETTER LAY STILL RIGHT NOW, AND LET ME FINISH COUNTING THOSE RIBS!

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Father In Law Joke

Posted in Marriage Jokes, Relationship Jokes

“Mom, Dad, sit down.  I have something very important to tell you,” said Samantha, upon her return home from college after graduation. “I met a guy  who lives near the college that I really like and we decided we are going to get married!”

“Oh Samantha! I am so happy for you!” Gushed her Mom giving her a big hug, “I hope you two will be really happy together! I can’t wait to meet him!”

“Tell us more about him” said her Dad, “does he have any money?”

“Oh Dad! Is that all you men ever think about?

That was the first question he asked me about you too!”

 

 

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Wife Insult Joke

Posted in Husband Wife Jokes, Marriage Jokes, Men Jokes, Wife Jokes

“Harry,” whined Mary, to her husband of 20 years. “What should I do?! I’m not ready for old age! I’m only 40 years old but I look and feel like I’m over 55! My face is all wrinkly, my back is bent over, and my hair is all thinned out.”

“Well,” said Harry after looking her up and down, “There is one thing about you that still works as good as new.”

“Oh Harry!” said Mary sitting down next to her husband, “you always know just what to say! What are you referring to?”

“Never mind” said Harry looking down.

“C’mon Harry, please tell me what you were referring to.”

“Mary, please don’t make me.”

“Harry I insist.”

“Well I was going to remark about how your eyesight seems to be working just fine!”

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Best Friend Joke

Posted in Bar Jokes, Marriage Jokes

Mark was passing by the bar on the way home from  work when he sees his good friend Tom gulping down one shot after another.

Fearing the worst, Mark charged into the bar and confronted Tom.

“Tom what’s going on?” Mark asked.

“It’s my wife Beckie,” Tom replied. “She ran off with my best friend!”

“Hey wait a second! Said Mark “Aren’t I your best friend?”

“Not any more,” Tom said with a happy smile.

“He is!”

 

 

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Gambling Joke

Posted in Husband Wife Jokes, Life Jokes, Marriage Jokes

John Sam and Abe, 3 retired friends,would get together every night, rain or shine, to play poker. It was a nice way to pass the time and the men enjoyed it immensely.

John’s wife wasn’t so fond of her husband’s poker playing.  She thought it was a dirty and low way to fill his time, but she had long ago resigned herself to her sorry fate, although inside of her, there was  always a low flame on the back burner waiting to erupt.

One Wednesday night, after a few nights of boring games, something exciting happened.  Sam watched in amusement as John and Abe, each convinced that they had the better hand,  slowly put their life savings into the pot. Things started to get really intense when John, running out of available cash, added  his car and house into the pot.

When there was no money left to bet on they each showed their cards.  As soon as John saw Abe’s cards and realized he had lost, he had a heart attack and died.

“Sam,” asked Abe “how are we going to tell his wife?” “Don’t worry I’ll take care of it” Abe replied.

Abe knocked on John’s door. “John just lost all of your life savings in a poker game,” said Sam when the door was opened. “He’s afraid to come home.”

John’s wife was fuming “HE DID WHAT?!” She screamed. “TELL HIM I DON’T WANT TO EVER SEE HIS FACE AGAIN! TELL HIM TO JUST DROP DEAD!”

“Ok,” said Sam nodding his head, “I’ll tell him just that!”

 

 

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Divorce Joke

Posted in Marriage Jokes, Relationship Jokes

Harry and his buddy Sam were going for a stroll. “Sam” said Harry “You know my wife?” “Sure do” said Sam. “Well she ain’t gonna be my wife anymore! Right after the weekend it’s gonna be over! I’m divorcing her!”

Sam was aghast, “Harry, I can’t believe it! You seemed to get along so well together! And she seemed like such a nice wife too!”

Harry stopped walking and and turned to Sam. “Sam, take a look at the loafers I’m wearing. Don’t they look comfy? They have a nice stylish shape, and they look mighty comfortable. Don’t they Sam?”

“They do Harry” said Sam, “but I’m not quite sure what you are getting at.”

“Well guess what Sam?” said Harry raising his voice, “I’m the only one who knows that they are pinching my darn feet!!!”

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Marital Bliss Joke

Posted in Husband Wife Jokes, Marriage Jokes, Wedding Jokes

“So Grandpa” asked Dave at his engagement party “your marriage to Grandma is legendary everyone talks about how you two get along so well and never fight, what’s the secret to your marital success?”

“Well” said Grandpa Joe after taking a deep puff on his cigar “it all started on the way home from our wedding, we hadn’t gone but a mile when the horse started giving us trouble I gave the horse a little whip and that’s when I heard your Grandma say in a low voice “that’s strike one.” A bit later the horse stopped again “that’s strike two” she said. The third time it stopped she grabbed my shotgun out of my holster and shot it in the head.

I was in shock!  “What in the world was that all about?” I had protested at the time.  “That’s strike one!”  she said back to me.  “And that is what I owe our marital success to.”

 

 

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The Man Of The House Joke

Posted in Husband Jokes, Marriage Jokes, Relationship Jokes

A man was married to a woman whose commands to her husband were as sharp as the bite of a barracuda.

It wasn’t so much that he was a coward, or too timid to talk back, but you know how it is…let’s keep peace in the family.

One day the wife invited a group from the local women’s club to her house for tea and discussions. To make sure that her husband did not interrupt the goings-on, she ordered him into the closet and sternly told him to stay there until the last lady had left.

During their bridge game, the ladies of the club spoke of the authority they wielded over respective husbands. Not to be outdone, the hostess informed the others that not only had she ordered her husband into the closet, but she could order him to come out, at will.

“I’ll prove it,” she boasted.

“Bob!” she commanded, “come out of that closet!”

No response.

“Bob!” she called in a louder voice, “come out of that closet this instant!”

Nothing.

“Bob!” she screamed at the top of her lungs, “I order you to get out of that closet this instant!”

“No, I won’t!” came her husband’s muffled cry from inside the closet. “I’ll show you who’s boss in this house!”

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Master Of The House Joke

Posted in Husband Wife Jokes, Marriage Jokes, Relationship Jokes

A solicitor for the Red Cross called upon a well-to-do young couple for a donation. Hearing a commotion inside he knocked extra-loudly on the door.
A somewhat disheveled man admitted him in. “What can I do for you?” he growled, clearly upset about something.
“I would like to speak to the master of the house,” said the solicitor politely.
“Then you’re just in time,” barked the young man. “My wife and I are settling that very question right now!”

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