I have a fear of speed bumps,
But I’m slowly getting over it.
1. We have a genetic predisposition for diarrhea.
Runs in our jeans.
2. Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.
3. I tried to catch fog yesterday,
4. Why did the scarecrow get a raise?
He was outstanding in his field.
5. Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.
6. Someone stole my Microsoft Office and they’re gonna pay.
You have my Word.
7. My wife accused me of being immature.
I told her to get out of my fort.
8. What do you call a woman on the arm of a banjo player?
9. I called a psychic once. She asked who was on the line, so I hung up.
10. I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him run faster.
If anything, it made him more sluggish.
As I was taking a walk with my daughter one day, I noticed something green in her hair. To my disbelief I pulled out a piece of lettuce from her hair. “Whoa!” she exclaimed, “is there anything else in there?” she asked. “Oh no!” I joked. “That was just the tip of the Iceberg!”
Brian hit rock bottom. He was going to jail for insider trading and it couldn’t get much worse than that.
As the jail warden brought Brian to his cell, Brian’s worst fears were materialized. Sitting hunched over on a bed was his soon to be roommate. He was a hunk of a man wearing a sleeveless undershirt, with vicious looking tattoos on each arm.
As Brian approached the prison cell the giant looked up at him and said in a deep booming voice, “hey man, what did you do to get yourself in here?”
“White collar crime” responded Brian nervously.
“Hey man, how about that? Me too,” the giant said.
“Phew,” said Brian feeling his body relaxing, “To be honest I got a bit nervous when I saw you.”
“Nah” responded the giant waving his hand “what’s there to be nervous about?”
“So tell me,” questioned the giant “How many priest’s did you kill?”
Q. What did the police officer say to the midget complaining that someone picked his pocket?
A. I can’t believe someone would stoop so low.
I told my friend that she drew her eyebrows on too high.
She looked surprised.