Husband Jokes

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Enjoy our collection of husband jokes, after all that’s what they are here for!

Driving Joke

Posted in Funny Stories, Husband Jokes

The one thing that drove me absolutely crazy about my boyfriend Bill was the way he  drove. He would insist on driving in the dead center of a two way intersection, and no matter how much I complained, sulked, and threatened, nothing made a dent.  The only consolation I found was the thought that at least the cars coming towards us, were staying in their lane.  Sure enough, I soon resigned myself to my fate, but I would still cringe all too often while on the road.

Well, the day finally came when I was to meet Bill’s family. We headed to the small hick town that he was from in Pennsylvania, and had a grand ol’ time with his folks. It was when we went out for a drive in the old family pick up that I learned that things could get quite a bit worse. “Don’t worry about my husband’s driving in the center of the road,” said Bill’s mom with a big friendly smile, as we headed onto a two way intersection.  “THAT’S WHAT EVERYONE DOES AROUND HERE!!”

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Handyman Husband Joke

Posted in Husband Jokes, Husband Wife Jokes, Life Jokes

“Honey!” screamed my husband from our bedroom, “you MUST check this out!

“What is it?” I hollered back from the kitchen.

“You’re not going to believe what I found when I was drilling a hole  through the wall! I found a secret stash of bottles!”

Just then my I heard my daughters voice hollering from the bathroom, “I’m trying to brush my teeth in here! Who the hell is drilling a hole through the medicine cabinet!?”

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Feeling Pregnant Joke

Posted in Funny Stories, Husband Jokes, Relationship Jokes, Wife Jokes

“Ok everyone,” said the the instructor at the birthing class trying to get everyone’s attention. “We are going to do an exercise now, that’s purpose is to  help the men sympathize with their partners.”

“We have here what’s called a pregnancy suit,” said the woman instructor, holding up an artificial stomach with a strap.  “This imitates the feeling of being pregnant.” Which Husband volunteers to be the first one to try it on?”

“I will” said one man, taking the suit and trying it on.  “This isn’t too bad said the man walking around. I think I could get used to this.” “Ok”, said the instructor smiling, “now I would like you to bend down and pick up my pen from the floor.”

“You want me to pick it up?”  he said hesitantly,  “just as I would if I was pregnant?” “Yes!” said the instructor.

“Honey,” said the man turning to his spouse “do you mind picking up that pen for me?”

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Girl Friend Joke

Posted in Husband Jokes, Husband Wife Jokes, Men Jokes, Relationship Jokes

“Brian, what’s wrong with you? You’ve been sitting at your desk looking depressed for the last five minutes!” “Oh Dan,” responded Brian “I don’t know what to do! I got in a big fight last night with my Suzie, she claims I never buy her gifts, so I must not care about her!”

“Brian, that’s horrible!” said Dan putting his arm around Brian. “What type of a gift does she want already?”

“Well, right before she closed the door on my face she said to me: “Why don’t you show me how much you care about me? Why can’t you get me something that goes from 0 to 175 in seconds!”

“Dan what should I do? I don’t have that kind of money? I can’t go out and buy her a car!”

“A car? Asked Dan. “Who needs a car? Just stop by Target and buy her a scale!”

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Snail Joke

Posted in Drunk Jokes, Husband Jokes

Tom’s wife was hosting a dinner party for some of her close friends, at their summer home. Moment’s before the guests were scheduled to arrive, she asked Tom if he would be ever so gracious to walk a block down to the beach to pick up some fresh snails for the party. On his way to the beach he passed the local bar, and figured he’d stop in for a quick drink before heading down to the beach to search for the snails.

One drink lead to the next, and before he knew it, it was 5:00 in the morning and he hadn’t gotten his wife those snails.

Quickly he hurried down to the beach, picked up a few snails, rushed home, and stumbled up the front steps, dropping the snails.

At that moment, his wife angrily opened the door asking him where he had been and how he had ruined her party.

Tom, looked towards the snails and said “C’mon you slow pokes! Just a few more steps and we’re there!”

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Sales Associate Joke

Posted in Husband Jokes, Men Jokes

Sarah, a Sales Associate at Walmart, notices a man in the card section. When she walks by an hour later and sees him still there she walks over to see if she can help. “Can I help you?” she asks. “Well I don’t know” the man responds “I’m having a problem, I can’t find anything that my wife would believe!”

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Bar Excuse Joke

Posted in Bar Jokes, Drunk Jokes, Husband Jokes, Men Jokes

Harry was sick and tired of being constantly badgered by his wife Barbara for spending so much time at the bar. Hoping it would help matters, Harry invited Barbara along with him.

“So what would you like?” Harry cordially asked, as she took her seat next to him. “Oh I don’t know” Barbara replied, “I guess I’ll take the same thing as you.”

“OK” said Harry to the bartender, “we’ll take two Johnny Walker’s on the rocks!”

Barbara barely took a sip of the drink before she started gagging “Oh my gosh! Get me a cup of water! This stuff is horrible! How do you drink this garbage?”

“See?” said Harry “and you think I come here just to have a good time?!

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Son In Law Joke

Posted in Husband Jokes, Men Jokes

Sam was the owner of a worldwide branch of stores and a multi-millionaire.

When his daughter Sandy got engaged to a very religious young man he called the future Groom into his office.

“So tell me,” said Sam, sitting the young man down. “What are your plans for the future?”

“Well”, said the Groom. “I plan on studying holy works all of my life.”

“And how exactly do you plan on supporting my daughter if you are studying all day?” questioned Sam.

“I am sure The Lord will provide.” Answered the young man.

“And what about your kids? How do you plan on supporting them?”

“The Lord will provide” answered the young man again.

“How did it go?” asked Sam’s wife after they finished talking.

“It went great” Sam replied. “I had just met the young fellow and already he thinks I’m the Lord!”

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The Man Of The House Joke

Posted in Husband Jokes, Marriage Jokes, Relationship Jokes

A man was married to a woman whose commands to her husband were as sharp as the bite of a barracuda.

It wasn’t so much that he was a coward, or too timid to talk back, but you know how it is…let’s keep peace in the family.

One day the wife invited a group from the local women’s club to her house for tea and discussions. To make sure that her husband did not interrupt the goings-on, she ordered him into the closet and sternly told him to stay there until the last lady had left.

During their bridge game, the ladies of the club spoke of the authority they wielded over respective husbands. Not to be outdone, the hostess informed the others that not only had she ordered her husband into the closet, but she could order him to come out, at will.

“I’ll prove it,” she boasted.

“Bob!” she commanded, “come out of that closet!”

No response.

“Bob!” she called in a louder voice, “come out of that closet this instant!”


“Bob!” she screamed at the top of her lungs, “I order you to get out of that closet this instant!”

“No, I won’t!” came her husband’s muffled cry from inside the closet. “I’ll show you who’s boss in this house!”

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Present Joke

Posted in Husband Jokes, Men Jokes

John  gingerly walked up to the sales lady in the clothing store “I would like to buy my wife a pretty pink scarf. ” “How cute” exclaimed the sales lady,  “sounds like it’s going to be a great surprise.” “It sure is” said John “she’s expecting a new car!”

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