Anne went away to college and promptly became an avid animal right activist. When she came home for the Holidays she noticed her mother wearing a beautiful genuine fur coat.
“Oh Mom,” Anne exclaimed in a disapproving tone, “some animal must have suffered terribly just so you can get a fur coat.”
“ANNE!” Screamed her Mom Aghast ” I SEND YOU AWAY TO COLLEGE AND YOU COME BACK TALKING LIKE THAT?!
HOW DARE YOU TALK THAT WAY ABOUT YOUR DAD!!!”
Rosanne a beautiful young foreigner walked into a small clothing store in the mall with her english speaking fiance.
“Excuse me,” said her fiance with just a touch of an accent, “would it be ok with you if my Fiancee tried on the dress in the window?”
“Listen” said the owner after just a brief pause, “business has been slow here for a while now, if you’re fine with her changing in the window, let her go on ahead, maybe it will bring in a few customers.”
There were no two ways about it. Rosie was fat. Very fat. “Martha”, said Rosie to her best friend, “it was terrible what happened yesterday after the birthday party. You know how half of the birthday cake was left over? Well, I knew Bob would be fuming at me for eating it,with my diet and all, but I couldn’t help myself, it started with just a small nibble and before I knew it the whole cake was gone!.”
“Oh my!” clucked Martha, “was Bob really upset?”
“He never found it”, responded Rosie with a full double chin smile, “I just baked another cake and ate half of it!”
Lauren was frustrated. She had complained dozens of times to her daughter about her newest gag of kissing the bathroom mirror immediately after applying lipstick, but it was all to no avail. Finally, one day after spending a half hour scrubbing the mirror, only to find another kiss mark an hour later, Lauren had enough. “Lizzy!” she hollered, “What?” came her daughter’s reply through her bedroom door. I can’t find the toilet brush that I’ve been using to clean the bathroom mirror. Do you have any idea where it is?”
After hearing the gagging from behind the bedroom door, Lauren knew her days of cleaning kiss marks off of mirrors were over.
As the movie progressed I was getting more and more annoyed, WILL THEY EVER BE QUIET? I silently fumed. Finally after close to a half hour into the movie I tapped the blabbermouth in front of me on the shoulder and politely said, “excuse me Ma’am but I can’t hear.” “YOU ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO!” she exclaimed, “THIS IS A CONFIDENTIAL DISCUSSION!”
Despite coming home too often disappointed, my son Adam had the habit of constantly going on blind dates.
“So how was it?” I asked, as he walked into the door a measly two hours after he had optimistically left.
“Well, lets put it this way” was his glib response, “she has the gift of speech, but unfortunately without the gift of conversation!”
“Hi! My name is Gertrude,” said the lady next to him on the plane. “It’s so nice to meet you! I’m flying to New York for my grandson’s third birthday. I’m so excited! I remember when he was just a little thumbkin and now he’s already three! It’s really hard to believe. He’s the most adorable thing you’ve ever seen! You know what? Hold on, I think I might have a picture on me. Let me take a look in my purse, yes, here it is, just look at him, isn’t he adorable. Do you see his dimple on his left cheek? Simply adorable! I could stare at his picture all day.
Oh my, and you should hear him on the phone! He is just the cutest, he says to me in the cutest voice “Hi Grandma!” It just gets me all teary eyed.”
After what seemed like two hours for the poor man sitting next to her, Gertrude seemed to realize that perhaps she was talking a bit too much. “You know, I feel terrible! Here I am just talking and talking without letting you get in a word edgewise!
Tell me..what do you
think about my Grandson!”
Although Barbara was very generous with her money, and did give away a lot of it to charity, she had one hangup. She refused to answer the door for solicitors. Instead she would have one of her maids answer the door and give a donation.
Given the circumstances, the maid was quite surprised to see, that after a man showed up at the door with the proclamation, “I haven’t eaten anything in two days”, that Barbara insisted on seeing him.
“What did she ask you?” The maid asked the confused looking man as he exited her office. “I don’t know what she was talking about”, he replied, “she wanted to know what my secret was.”
Q. How many worn-out housewives does it take to change a light bulb?
A. one – ONE! That’s right you guessed it, it’s me! Why ME?! Do you think I have nothing better to do with my time?! DO YOU THINK A HOUSE GETS CLEANED BY ITSELF???!! Is it my job to change the light bulb too?!
I feel like I’m constantly running after everyone cleaning up their mess! HAVE YOU SEEN ME SIT DOWN ONCE THE WHOLE DAY?!
And if anyone else in the family ever agrees to put in the light bulb, they complain the whole way through like I am squeezing there neck. It would just be easier for me to just do it myself. Being a housewife is the most under appreciated job in the world!
I SHOULD STOP CLEANING for a WEEK and then you’ll all appreciate all that I DO!