There were no two ways about it. Rosie was fat. Very fat. “Martha”, said Rosie to her best friend, “it was terrible what happened yesterday after the birthday party. You know how half of the birthday cake was left over? Well, I knew Bob would be fuming at me for eating it,with my diet and all, but I couldn’t help myself, it started with just a small nibble and before I knew it the whole cake was gone!.”
“Oh my!” clucked Martha, “was Bob really upset?”
“He never found it”, responded Rosie with a full double chin smile, “I just baked another cake and ate half of it!”
Lauren was frustrated. She had complained dozens of times to her daughter about her newest gag of kissing the bathroom mirror immediately after applying lipstick, but it was all to no avail. Finally, one day after spending a half hour scrubbing the mirror, only to find another kiss mark an hour later, Lauren had enough. “Lizzy!” she hollered, “What?” came her daughter’s reply through her bedroom door. I can’t find the toilet brush that I’ve been using to clean the bathroom mirror. Do you have any idea where it is?”
After hearing the gagging from behind the bedroom door, Lauren knew her days of cleaning kiss marks off of mirrors were over.
As the movie progressed I was getting more and more annoyed, WILL THEY EVER BE QUIET? I silently fumed. Finally after close to a half hour into the movie I tapped the blabbermouth in front of me on the shoulder and politely said, “excuse me Ma’am but I can’t hear.” “YOU ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO!” she exclaimed, “THIS IS A CONFIDENTIAL DISCUSSION!”
Despite coming home too often disappointed, my son Adam had the habit of constantly going on blind dates.
“So how was it?” I asked, as he walked into the door a measly two hours after he had optimistically left.
“Well, lets put it this way” was his glib response, “she has the gift of speech, but unfortunately without the gift of conversation!”
“Hi! My name is Gertrude,” said the lady next to him on the plane. “It’s so nice to meet you! I’m flying to New York for my grandson’s third birthday. I’m so excited! I remember when he was just a little thumbkin and now he’s already three! It’s really hard to believe. He’s the most adorable thing you’ve ever seen! You know what? Hold on, I think I might have a picture on me. Let me take a look in my purse, yes, here it is, just look at him, isn’t he adorable. Do you see his dimple on his left cheek? Simply adorable! I could stare at his picture all day.
Oh my, and you should hear him on the phone! He is just the cutest, he says to me in the cutest voice “Hi Grandma!” It just gets me all teary eyed.”
After what seemed like two hours for the poor man sitting next to her, Gertrude seemed to realize that perhaps she was talking a bit too much. “You know, I feel terrible! Here I am just talking and talking without letting you get in a word edgewise!
Although Barbara was very generous with her money, and did give away a lot of it to charity, she had one hangup. She refused to answer the door for solicitors. Instead she would have one of her maids answer the door and give a donation.
Given the circumstances, the maid was quite surprised to see, that after a man showed up at the door with the proclamation, “I haven’t eaten anything in two days”, that Barbara insisted on seeing him.
“What did she ask you?” The maid asked the confused looking man as he exited her office. “I don’t know what she was talking about”, he replied, “she wanted to know what my secret was.”
Q. How many worn-out housewives does it take to change a light bulb?
A. one – ONE! That’s right you guessed it, it’s me! Why ME?! Do you think I have nothing better to do with my time?! DO YOU THINK A HOUSE GETS CLEANED BY ITSELF???!! Is it my job to change the light bulb too?!
I feel like I’m constantly running after everyone cleaning up their mess! HAVE YOU SEEN ME SIT DOWN ONCE THE WHOLE DAY?!
And if anyone else in the family ever agrees to put in the light bulb, they complain the whole way through like I am squeezing there neck. It would just be easier for me to just do it myself. Being a housewife is the most under appreciated job in the world!
I SHOULD STOP CLEANING for a WEEK and then you’ll all appreciate all that I DO!
Woman 1: Oh! You got a haircut! That’s so cute!
Woman 2: Do you think so? I wasn’t sure when she was gave me the mirror. I mean, you don’t think it’s too fluffy looking?
Woman 1: Oh God no! No, it’s perfect. I’d love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I’m pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.
Woman 2: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts – that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.
Woman 1: Oh – that’s funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.
Woman 2: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms – see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.
Man 1: Haircut?
Man 2: Yeah.
It was Sally’s first time going for jury duty and she was a little bit apprehensive. “I would just like you to know” said Sally as soon as she was in front of the judge “that I feel very strongly that capital punishment is morally unjust and incorrect.” “That’s OK , said the judge “capital punishment is not a possibility in this case so it’s perfectly fine for you to serve on this jury.” “What’s the case about?” Asked Sally. “Well Mrs. Smith is filing a suit against her husband for gambling away the money she had saved for remodeling her bathroom”, replied the judge. “Alright” replied Sally “I’ll serve on this one, I may have been wrong about the capital punishment thing after all.”