Clean Jokes

Life Jokes

Enjoy our collection of life jokes, after all that’s what they are here for!
Do you like life jokes? Check out these Life Quotes at meaningfullifequotes.com

Writer Joke

Posted in Life Jokes

Bill loved to write. He wrote articles, compositions, poems, anything he could think of he wrote. Although he tried desperately to have his hard work published he was never able to find anyone interested.  It was after a year of not seeing one of his friends that he bumped into him at a supermarket.

“Harry am I glad to see you! Do you know that my readership doubled since I last say you!?”

“Congratulations!” Said Harry barely glancing up from the meat he was examining, “nobody told me that you got married!”

GD Star Rating
loading...

Restaurant Special Joke

Posted in Food Jokes, Long Jokes

John was starving!! He was stuck in a small hick town, lost and hungry. He was happy when he saw a small restaurant coming up on his right. John quickly pulled over, parked his car, and walked inside.

John noticed a blackboard with a sign written in yellow chalk, “Today’s Special: Vegetable Soup with Fried Chicken and Grilled Vegetables.”

“I’ll take the special”, said John to the waiter when he came to take his order.

A few minutes after receiving his order John called over the waiter, he was fuming mad. “IS THIS THE SPECIAL!? It says vegetable soup, BUT THERE ARE NO VEGETABLES! It says grilled vegetables, BUT THEY AREN’T GRILLED THEY ARE BAKED!?  And it says fried chicken, AND THE CHICKEN ISN’T FRIED!?

The waiter was not used to city folks and their attitudes and frankly he was not going to put up with this behavior. “My dear man,” said the waiter looking down at John over his glasses, “that is what makes it so special!!!”

GD Star Rating
loading...

Tie Joke

Posted in Funeral Jokes, Funny Stories, Life Jokes, Work Jokes

On the day of my big job interview I woke up late. Frantically I threw on a suit. “OH NO!” I thought. “MY TIE! My Dad was out of town and wasn’t there to help me, and for the life of me I did not know how to tie a tie!

I grabbed a tie and ran out the door. “Excuse me sir,” I said to the crossing guard, “I have an important job interview, can you please help me make this tie?!”

“Sure” said the guard, “just lie down on this bench.” Well if someone was going to help me I wasn’t going to ask any questions. After he finished and the tie looked good I just had to ask why I had to lie down.

“Well in my previous job I learned how to tie tie’s on other people when they were lying down. He replied.

What was your previous job? I asked incredulously.

“I ran a morg.” Was the reply.

GD Star Rating
loading...
Advertisements

Friendly Politician Joke

Posted in Funny Stories, Life Jokes

As a popular local politician I always try to help out whenever I can. So that’s how it came to be that when a fellow came up to me in a hotel lobby the other day and asked me for a small favor I was more then happy to oblige.

“Hi,” said the fellow, introducing himself as Bob Smith. “I’m having a very important business meeting in a few minutes, and it’s very important that I impress them . If you can just come over during our meeting and say hello I would be forever indebted to you!”

So that’s how a few minutes later, I found myself walking over to the fellow with a big smile on my face, “Hi Bob!” I said.

“I barely got the words out of my mouth when Bob looked up with an annoyed expression, “DON’T BOTHER ME NOW CHRIS. CAN’T YOU SEE I’M IN THE MIDDLE OF AN IMPORTANT MEETING?!

GD Star Rating
loading...

Salad Dressing Joke

Posted in Food Jokes, Funny Stories

“You name it, we’ll make it!” Was the big sign outside the new restaurant on 13th Avenue. “There is no food we can’t make for you!” “Excuse me sir”, said a man with a heavy Russian accent to the waiter, “I vould like please, A Garden Salad vith Russian dressing.” “RUSSIAN DRESSING?! Screamed the head cook, “I’VE NEVER EVEN HEARD OF RUSSIAN DRESSING! WHAT ARE WE GOING TO GIVE THIS GUY? “Don’t worry,” said the owner to the cook, “I’ll take care of everything, you just make the salad.” And that’s how it happened that two minutes later the waiter walked out with a big Garden Salad and a picture of a Russian man putting on his pants.

GD Star Rating
loading...

Traveling Joke

Posted in Life Jokes

So it was Jim’s first time leaving Europe, he was excited about visiting America and expanding his horizons. “Excuse me”, said a woman to him at the airport. “Do you happen to be traveling to America?” “As a matter of fact I am” responded Jim. “Do me a favor, my husband left to America 2 months ago and I haven’t seen or heard from him since. If you meet a fellow named John Dun, tell him to call his wife.” Jim happily complied and was on his way. He was barely in America for a hour when he saw a big building with the words Dun Watches, “Wow!” thought Jim “that was easy.” Jim walked into the building and asked the lady behind the desk “do you have a John here?” “Second door on the left,” was her reply. Jim saw a man walking out of the door drying his hands “are you Dun?” he asked. “Yes” came the mystified reply. “Call your wife,” said Jim, “she’s been waiting to hear from you.”

GD Star Rating
loading...

Winter Joke

Posted in Weather Jokes

A snowman couple were celebrating their sons birthday. The Mother brought in a carrot cake made up beautifully with white and blue icing. The son cut himself a real big piece and took a big bite promptly spitting it out and screaming “Mom this is disgusting it tastes like boogers!”

“Well what do you expect?” Questioned the Snow Mother.  “You asked for carrot cake!”

GD Star Rating
loading...

Sleeping Pill Joke

Posted in Funny Stories, Life Jokes

“Excuse me sir,” said the man to one of the stewards on an Amtrak Train, “I always get nauseous when I go on trains, so I am going to to take a heavy sleeping pill, but please do whatever you can to make sure I get off when it stops in Baltimore. I really don’t want to miss my great aunt’s funeral.” “Sure thing!” said the steward happily, we’ll make you sure you get off!”

Six hours later the train stopped in Washington D.C. and the man jumped out of his seat in a panic, “WHAT THE HECK! I ASKED YOU TO WAKE ME UP IN BALTIMORE!”

“Oh boy! He looks mad!” Remarked the fellow behind him to his wife.

“Not half as mad as that other guy they carried off back in Baltimore.” She whispered back.

GD Star Rating
loading...

Drunk Driving Joke

Posted in Police Jokes

Brian was pulled over for speeding, and as the cop approached his car, he noticed lighter fluid, matches, and torches, all in the passenger seat right next to him. “Sir,” said the cop, motioning to the paraphernalia.  “Can I ask why you have that stuff in the car? ” “Well officer,” said Brian, “it’s quite simple, I’m a juggler in a circus and this is my equipment!”

The cop, clearly not believing him, insisted that he come over to the side of the road and juggle the torches so he can see if his story was indeed true.

Just then an elderly couple cruised by and the old man turned to his wife, “Suzie, am I glad I finally  gave up drinking!  Can you believe the drinking test they are giving now?!”

GD Star Rating
loading...

Fatty Joke

Posted in Funny Stories, Husband Wife Jokes, Life Jokes, Relationship Jokes, Women Jokes

There were no two ways about it.  Rosie was fat.  Very fat.  “Martha”, said Rosie to her best friend, “it was terrible what happened yesterday after the birthday party. You know how half of the birthday cake was left over? Well, I knew Bob would be fuming at me for eating it,with my diet and all, but I couldn’t help myself, it started with just a small nibble and before I knew it the whole cake was gone!.”

“Oh my!” clucked Martha, “was Bob really upset?”

“He never found it”, responded Rosie with a full double chin smile, “I just baked another cake and ate half of it!”

GD Star Rating
loading...
Advertisements
Advertisements

Favorite Joke Categories