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Life Jokes

Enjoy our collection of life jokes, after all that’s what they are here for!
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Sleeping Pill Joke

Posted in Funny Stories, Life Jokes

“Excuse me sir,” said the man to one of the stewards on an Amtrak Train, “I always get nauseous when I go on trains, so I am going to to take a heavy sleeping pill, but please do whatever you can to make sure I get off when it stops in Baltimore. I really don’t want to miss my great aunt’s funeral.” “Sure thing!” said the steward happily, we’ll make you sure you get off!”

Six hours later the train stopped in Washington D.C. and the man jumped out of his seat in a panic, “WHAT THE HECK! I ASKED YOU TO WAKE ME UP IN BALTIMORE!”

“Oh boy! He looks mad!” Remarked the fellow behind him to his wife.

“Not half as mad as that other guy they carried off back in Baltimore.” She whispered back.

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Drunk Driving Joke

Posted in Police Jokes

Brian was pulled over for speeding, and as the cop approached his car, he noticed lighter fluid, matches, and torches, all in the passenger seat right next to him. “Sir,” said the cop, motioning to the paraphernalia.  “Can I ask why you have that stuff in the car? ” “Well officer,” said Brian, “it’s quite simple, I’m a juggler in a circus and this is my equipment!”

The cop, clearly not believing him, insisted that he come over to the side of the road and juggle the torches so he can see if his story was indeed true.

Just then an elderly couple cruised by and the old man turned to his wife, “Suzie, am I glad I finally  gave up drinking!  Can you believe the drinking test they are giving now?!”

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Fatty Joke

Posted in Funny Stories, Husband Wife Jokes, Life Jokes, Relationship Jokes, Women Jokes

There were no two ways about it.  Rosie was fat.  Very fat.  “Martha”, said Rosie to her best friend, “it was terrible what happened yesterday after the birthday party. You know how half of the birthday cake was left over? Well, I knew Bob would be fuming at me for eating it,with my diet and all, but I couldn’t help myself, it started with just a small nibble and before I knew it the whole cake was gone!.”

“Oh my!” clucked Martha, “was Bob really upset?”

“He never found it”, responded Rosie with a full double chin smile, “I just baked another cake and ate half of it!”

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Toilet Brush Joke

Posted in Clever Jokes, Funny Stories, Life Jokes, Women Jokes

Lauren was frustrated. She had complained dozens of times to her daughter about her newest gag of kissing the bathroom mirror immediately after applying lipstick, but it was all to no avail. Finally, one day after spending a half hour scrubbing the mirror, only to find another kiss mark an hour later, Lauren had enough. “Lizzy!” she hollered, “What?” came her daughter’s reply through her bedroom door. I can’t find the toilet brush that I’ve been using to clean the bathroom mirror. Do you have any idea where it is?”

After hearing the gagging from behind the bedroom door, Lauren knew her days of cleaning kiss marks off of mirrors were over.

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Adult Underwear Joke

Posted in Funny Stories, Life Jokes

I was in Target with my wife when my wife said, “you know, I feel like Billy is too big to still be wearing Micky Mouse underwear, don’t you think he should be wearing something more manly, like superman underwear?”

All it took was a shrug of my shoulders and there were nine new pairs of underwear in the cart.

I didn’t realize how right my wife was until I heard an excited holler coming from my sons room, “WooHoo finally some adult underwear!

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First Time Parents Joke

Posted in Funny Stories, Life Jokes

“Honey!” screamed my wife, running outside to my bike once again, “did you double check that Herbie’s seat is attached securely?!”

“Yeah let me check that just one more time” I muttered, checking the seat for what must have been the tenth time.

“OK”, I said nervously, to my two year old Herby, “are you ready for your first bike ride?”

“Let me just check your helmet again…perfect ..now your knee pads..good… now your elbow pads..perfect.”

And with that, I lifted my foot to get on top of the bike, and nailed my two year old smack in the jaw!

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High Fever Joke

Posted in Cute Jokes, Doctor Jokes, Little Johnny Jokes, Medical Jokes

My four year old daughter had a terrible case of the flu, she was achy, had a high fever, and was terribly hoarse. After waiting in the waiting room at the doctor’s office for over an hour we were finally admitted to see the Doctor.

After the usual routine of listening to her breathing and checking her ears, the Doctor looked my daughter in the eye and said, “so what would you say is bothering  you the most?”

Without skipping a beat my daughter promptly answered, “Billy, he always breaks my toys!”

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Handyman Husband Joke

Posted in Husband Jokes, Husband Wife Jokes, Life Jokes

“Honey!” screamed my husband from our bedroom, “you MUST check this out!

“What is it?” I hollered back from the kitchen.

“You’re not going to believe what I found when I was drilling a hole  through the wall! I found a secret stash of bottles!”

Just then my I heard my daughters voice hollering from the bathroom, “I’m trying to brush my teeth in here! Who the hell is drilling a hole through the medicine cabinet!?”

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Leftovers Joke

Posted in Food Jokes, Funny Stories, People Jokes

“Oh no! not leftovers again!” complained my older sister when she saw the leftover meatloaf on the table from last nights supper.

“Young lady” responded my father sternly, “do you know how many people would love to have a delicious supper like this?! You should be ashamed of yourself! Now before we start eating I want to hear you say grace thanking the Lord for this delicious meal!”

“Thank you Lord for this delicious supper”, muttered my sister submissively “….again!”

 

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Birth Control Joke

Posted in Funny Stories, Life Jokes, People Jokes

“Alright! I’ll drive them to the field trip tomorrow!” Sighed my neighbor resignedly. Sure enough the next day found her with a van full of  7 to 10 year olds.

Clearly distracted, my neighbor  cruised right through a stop sign, “Don’t you know how to stop?” Screamed the exasperated crossing guard, running towards the car.

My neighbor stopped her car, looked the crossing guard straight in the eye and said clearly upset, “what makes you think they are all mine?!”

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