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Enjoy our collection of life jokes, after all that’s what they are here for!
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Leftovers Joke

Posted in Food Jokes, Funny Stories, People Jokes

“Oh no! not leftovers again!” complained my older sister when she saw the leftover meatloaf on the table from last nights supper.

“Young lady” responded my father sternly, “do you know how many people would love to have a delicious supper like this?! You should be ashamed of yourself! Now before we start eating I want to hear you say grace thanking the Lord for this delicious meal!”

“Thank you Lord for this delicious supper”, muttered my sister submissively “….again!”

 

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Birth Control Joke

Posted in Funny Stories, Life Jokes, People Jokes

“Alright! I’ll drive them to the field trip tomorrow!” Sighed my neighbor resignedly. Sure enough the next day found her with a van full of  7 to 10 year olds.

Clearly distracted, my neighbor  cruised right through a stop sign, “Don’t you know how to stop?” Screamed the exasperated crossing guard, running towards the car.

My neighbor stopped her car, looked the crossing guard straight in the eye and said clearly upset, “what makes you think they are all mine?!”

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Grandma Joke

Posted in Airplane Jokes, Long Jokes, Old People Jokes, People Jokes, Women Jokes

“Hi! My name is Gertrude,” said the lady next to him on the plane.  ”It’s so nice to meet you! I’m flying to New York for my grandson’s third birthday. I’m so excited! I remember when he was just a little thumbkin and now he’s already three!  It’s really hard to believe. He’s the most adorable thing you’ve ever seen! You know what?  Hold on, I think I might have a picture on me.  Let me take a look in my purse, yes, here it is, just look at him, isn’t he adorable. Do you see his dimple on his left cheek? Simply adorable! I could stare at his picture all day.

Oh my, and you should hear him on the phone!  He is just the cutest, he says to me in the cutest voice “Hi Grandma!” It just gets me all teary eyed.”

After what seemed like two hours for the poor man sitting next to her, Gertrude seemed to realize that perhaps she was talking a bit too much. “You know, I feel terrible! Here I am just talking and talking without letting you get in a word edgewise!

Tell me..what do you think about my Grandson!”
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Landlord Joke

Posted in Funny Stories, Life Jokes, Long Jokes

“Sir you have got to help!” said the tearful man at the door. “There is a family that I know very well that is in desperate need of money. The Father has been out of a job for over a year, they have five kids at home with barely a bit of food to eat. The worst part is, that they are about to kicked out of the house and they will be left on the streets without a roof over their heads!” The man concluded with one last heart wrenching sob.

“Well,” said the man at the door, “that really is a sad story. Why don’t you come inside and we’ll talk about it a little more.”

“So how much money is needed exactly?” asked the man when they were both seated.

“Oh it’s really terrible”, said the man starting up again, “why just for the rent $3000 is needed by tomorrow otherwise they’ll be kicked out onto the streets.”

“How do you know so much about this situation?” asked the man as he reached for his check book.

“Well,” said the man breaking down once more “they are my tenants.”

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Gambling Joke

Posted in Husband Wife Jokes, Life Jokes, Marriage Jokes

John Sam and Abe, 3 retired friends,would get together every night, rain or shine, to play poker. It was a nice way to pass the time and the men enjoyed it immensely.

John’s wife wasn’t so fond of her husband’s poker playing.  She thought it was a dirty and low way to fill his time, but she had long ago resigned herself to her sorry fate, although inside of her, there was  always a low flame on the back burner waiting to erupt.

One Wednesday night, after a few nights of boring games, something exciting happened.  Sam watched in amusement as John and Abe, each convinced that they had the better hand,  slowly put their life savings into the pot. Things started to get really intense when John, running out of available cash, added  his car and house into the pot.

When there was no money left to bet on they each showed their cards.  As soon as John saw Abe’s cards and realized he had lost, he had a heart attack and died.

“Sam,” asked Abe “how are we going to tell his wife?” “Don’t worry I’ll take care of it” Abe replied.

Abe knocked on John’s door. “John just lost all of your life savings in a poker game,” said Sam when the door was opened. “He’s afraid to come home.”

John’s wife was fuming “HE DID WHAT?!” She screamed. “TELL HIM I DON’T WANT TO EVER SEE HIS FACE AGAIN! TELL HIM TO JUST DROP DEAD!”

“Ok,” said Sam nodding his head, “I’ll tell him just that!”

 

 

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Restaurant Joke

Posted in Food Jokes

Sarah, Rosemary, and Anne went to a restaurant together to celebrate old times.

“I’ll take some Tom Yum soup” said Sarah to the waiter. “Nah” said the waiter waving his hand “you probably won’t like it, it’s way too spicy! Why don’t you  try the Garden Vegetable Soup?  ”Alright,” said Sarah. “You know better than me, after all you are the waiter!”

“And how about you Ma’am?” said the waiter turning to Rosemary. “I think I’ll take the poached fish,” said Rosemary, after carefully examining the menu.  ”I don’t really think you’ll like it,” said the waiter, “it’s very bland. Why don’t you try the Rib Steak with Garlic Marinade? “OK, I’ll take that instead,”  said Rosemary.

“And how about you?” said the waiter turning to Anne. “I don’t know, I can’t decide,” said Anne looking up from the menu, “what do you recommend?”

“Recommend?” said the waiter with a surprised look on his face, “who has time to recommend stuff smack in the middle of dinner hour!”

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Prison Joke

Posted in Funny Puns, Funny Stories, Life Jokes

Brian hit rock bottom. He was going to jail for insider trading and it couldn’t get much worse than that.

As the jail warden brought Brian to his cell, Brian’s worst fears were materialized. Sitting hunched over on a bed was his soon to be roommate. He was a hunk of a man wearing a sleeveless undershirt, with vicious looking tattoos on each arm.

As Brian approached the prison cell the giant looked up at him and said in a deep booming voice, “hey man, what did you do to get yourself in here?”

“White collar crime” responded Brian nervously.

“Hey man, how about that? Me too,” the giant said.

“Phew,” said Brian feeling his body relaxing, “To be honest I got a bit nervous when I saw you.”

“Nah” responded the giant waving his hand “what’s there to be nervous about?”

“So tell me,” questioned the giant “How many priest’s did you kill?”

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Red Cross Joke

Posted in Life Jokes

John, had been a red cross responder for years, but there was still one incident that happened in his first year on the job, that he would never forget. They had been searching a rocky river for hours searching for a woman by the name of Wendy. After many fruitless attempts at calling “Wendy, it’s the Red Cross!”, they finally heard a faint response saying “I hear you, Red Cross, I gave already!”

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Cold Shoulder Joke

Posted in Cannibal Jokes

Hey, you didn’t have to give me the cold shoulder!”
Said the cannibal who was late for dinner.

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Family Joke

Posted in Life Jokes, People Jokes

John was a firm believer of ‘the more the merrier’. After only 10 years of marriage he already had 8 kids. When John was forced to move because of his job he was having a very hard time finding an apartment where the landlord would be willing to rent to such a big family.

Finally after being turned down one time too many John had an idea. “Listen hear Sally” said John to his wife, “go with the six little kids to the cemetery while I go see this apartment.”

Later that day while checking out an apartment the landlord asked, “How many children do you have?” “I have 8 children,” John truthfully replied, “but 6 of them are with their Mother in the cemetery.”

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