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Enjoy our collection of life jokes, after all that’s what they are here for!
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Red Cross Joke

John, had been a red cross responder for years, but there was still one incident that happened in his first year on the job, that he would never forget. They had been searching a rocky river for hours searching for a woman by the name of Wendy. After many fruitless attempts at calling “Wendy, it’s the Red Cross!”, they finally heard a faint response saying “I hear you, Red Cross, I gave already!”

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Posted in Life Jokes

Cold Shoulder Joke

Hey, you didn’t have to give me the cold shoulder!”
Said the cannibal who was late for dinner.

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Posted in Cannibal Jokes

Family Joke

John was a firm believer of ‘the more the merrier’. After only 10 years of marriage he already had 8 kids. When John was forced to move because of his job he was having a very hard time finding an apartment where the landlord would be willing to rent to such a big family.

Finally after being turned down one time too many John had an idea. “Listen hear Sally” said John to his wife, “go with the six little kids to the cemetery while I go see this apartment.”

Later that day while checking out an apartment the landlord asked, “How many children do you have?” “I have 8 children,” John truthfully replied, “but 6 of them are with their Mother in the cemetery.”

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Posted in Life Jokes, People Jokes
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Museum Joke

“And this over here” croaked the 90 year old museum tour guide, “is a fossil 4 million and 69 years old, on it’s left you can see another fossil that’s 2 million and 69 years old.”

“Wow! That’s really fascinating,” said a fellow in the audience, “how can you age it so accurately to the year?”

“Well that’s simple” answered the old chap, “It was two million years old when I started working here 69 years ago.”

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Posted in Funny Stories, Garage Sale Jokes

Diet Joke

A group of prosperous businessmen were dining at the Sam’s Hotel in Las Vegas.
“Seems to me you are getting a little slimmer,” remarked one.
“I should be!” replied the other. “I went on one of those high protein diets. Nothing but expensive steaks and chops. And would you believe it?-in just two weeks I lost thirty dollars!”

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Posted in Food Jokes

Money Problems Joke

When the lodge meeting broke up, John confided to a friend. “Mike, I’m in a terrible pickle! I’m strapped for cash and I haven’t the slightest idea where I’m going to get it from!” “I’m glad to hear that” answered Mike. “I was afraid you might have an idea you could borrow it from me!”

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Posted in Economy Jokes

You’ve Been Drinking Too Much Coffee When….

Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
You lick your coffeepot clean.
You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
You’ve built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
People get dizzy just watching you.
Instant coffee takes too long.
You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
You’re offended when people use the word “brew” to mean beer.
You name your cats “Cream” and “Sugar.”
You get drunk just so you can sober up.
Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
You don’t even wait for the water to boil anymore.
You introduce your spouse as your “Coffee-mate.”
You think CPR stands for “Coffee Provides Resuscitation.”

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Posted in Life Jokes

Speeding Ticket Joke

So there was this female business executive who was late for a meeting.
She is going 65 on a street where the speed limit is 40.

A cop pulls her over and says “ma’am, can I please see your license?”

She says “I’m sorry, officer, but I got it revoked two years ago for drunk driving.”

His brow furrows and he straightens up. “Well, can I please see the registration of your car?”

She says “I stole the car and I killed the driver; he’s in the trunk.”

“Ma’am, DON’T MOVE, I’m calling for backup.”

He mutters furiously into his walkie-talkie…

Five minutes later, half the squad pulls up, the Chief of Police walks over to the woman’s window.

“Ma’am, can I see your license?” he asks sternly.

“Of course, officer,” she smiles demurely and pulls out a license from her purse.

He squints warily at it. “This looks legitimate,” he mumbles.

“Can I see the registration to this car?”

She pulls it out of the glove compartment and hands it to him.

“Ma’am, stand back!”

He bangs open the trunk of the car and flinches: but it was completely empty…

The woman brandishes a finger at the first cop and says accusingly, “And I’ll bet that liar told you I was speeding too!!”

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Posted in Old People Jokes, Police Jokes

Dead Dog Joke

Joe was a steward for Fly High airlines. He watched as an older lady boarded the plane holding a dog in a cage. “Excuse me,” said Joe “dogs are not allowed on board, you have to check it in with the baggage.” The lady wasn’t happy, but Joe was an experienced steward and succeeded in convincing the lady without much of a scene. Upon arrival, Joe took a peek in the cage, and to his great surprise, saw that the dog was dead! Frantic that they may get sued, Joe quickly sent one of his underlings out to town to buy a dog that looked exactly the same. Just in the nick of time the underling arrived with the dog They quickly switched dogs and breathed a sigh of relief. “This isn’t my dog!” said the lady as soon as she saw it. “I’m sure it is” insisted Joe “I was very careful about where I put it.” “It’s not my dog” argued the lady, “you see, I was bringing my dog to my home town to have him buried, and this dog is alive!”

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Posted in Airplane Jokes, Dog Jokes

Speeding Joke

A cop was hiding in his usual spot when he saw a car speed by at 90 mph. Quickly turning on his sirens, the cop pulled over an old lady. “License and registration please” said the cop in a tough voice. “I’m sorry” responded the lady “I forgot to ask him where he keeps his registration before I shot him.” “You what!” Hollered the cop nervously holding onto his gun.”I shot him” she responded “I stuck him in the trunk if you want to see.” Within 2 minutes there were 8 police cars pulled up behind her and a police talking into a megaphone “Come out of the car with your hands up.” While one cop watched the lady, another opened the trunk. “Um mam” said the second cop “there’s no dead man in this trunk.” “Well why would there be?” she asked. “Excuse me,” said another cop, “this car seems to be registered in your name?” “Well why wouldn’t it be” repeated the lady. “Well,” they both responded “the cop said that you told him you killed the owner and put him in the trunk.”
“Humph” said the old lady with a wave of her hand, “I bet that old liar told you I was speeding to!”

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Posted in Life Jokes
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