On the day of my big job interview I woke up late. Frantically I threw on a suit. “OH NO!” I thought. “MY TIE! My Dad was out of town and wasn’t there to help me, and for the life of me I did not know how to tie a tie!
I grabbed a tie and ran out the door. “Excuse me sir,” I said to the crossing guard, “I have an important job interview, can you please help me make this tie?!”
“Sure” said the guard, “just lie down on this bench.” Well if someone was going to help me I wasn’t going to ask any questions. After he finished and the tie looked good I just had to ask why I had to lie down.
“Well in my previous job I learned how to tie tie’s on other people when they were lying down. He replied.
What was your previous job? I asked incredulously.
“I ran a morg.” Was the reply.
I was a little taken aback when I got my receipt from the funeral parlor, on the bottom of the receipt, after the bill, it read, “Thank you. Please come again.”
There is nothing fun about a funeral, but despite that, I had a good laugh at the following reaction by my two children.
We, along with a bunch of other relatives, were following the hearse of my late great aunt. When my daughter, who always tends to focus on the morbid things in life raised the dreaded question, “Dad, what’s going to happen to us when you die?” My son who was busy texting one of his friends at the time barely glanced up from his phone. “We’ll go in the limousine dummy.”
So, I’m sure you all heard of John Hoki, the inventor of the Hoki Poki. While John’s life is well known, what’s not so well know, is a story that happened at his funeral in the late 1940’s.
Being that John was quite a popular fella, mostly due to the Hoki Poki, which spread like wildfire through his small Middle Eastern town, thousands showed up for his funeral, all coming to bid him farewell.
Well, it happened right before the ceremony was about to begin, when the undertaker gently lifted John up to place him in the coffin. The problem that arose was that as soon as they put his right foot in…….(I’m sure you can figure out the rest.)
“What the heck is going on here?” said an angry man storming into the florist shop. “I just lost one of my main clients and it’s your fault!”
“Why don’t you calm down a bit” said the lady behind the counter, “and let us know what exactly happened.”
“Well,” said the man “My biggest client moved to a new location, and to be nice I called you guys up and asked you to send him some flowers with a note saying “congratulations on your new location.”
He calls me up and says to me “what’s the big deal with sending me a note that says “rest in peace?!”
“Oh no!” she sighed, “now I know why I got a nasty message from the funeral parlor!”
Jim grabbed his suitcase off the luggage carousel and headed outside to hail a taxi. A taxi promptly picked him up and they were on there way. Twenty minutes into the ride Jim had a question for the taxi driver, “Excuse me sir” said Jim tapping the driver on the shoulder. “AHHHH
HHH” screamed the taxi driver swerving the taxi across three lanes of traffic finally stopping the car on the opposite shoulder. “What the heck was that all about?” demanded Jim thoroughly shaken. “I’m sorry,” said the taxi driver, wiping his brow, “this is my first day on the job, I’ve been driving a hearse for the last fifty years!”
My old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, “You’re next!”
After a while, I figured out how to stop them. I started doing the same thing to them at funerals!
Marvin, was in the hospital on his death bed. The family called Marvin’s Preacher to be with him in his final moments. As the Preacher stood by the bed, Marvin’s condition seemed to deteriorate, and Marvin motioned for someone to quickly pass him a pen and paper. The Preacher quickly got a pen and paper and lovingly handed it to Marvin. But before he had a chance to read the note, Marvin died. The Preacher feeling that now wasn’t the right time to read it put the note in his jacket pocket. It was at the funeral while speaking that the Preacher suddenly remembered the note. Reaching deep into his pocket the Preacher said “and you know what, I suddenly remembered that right before Marvin died he handed me a note, and knowing Marvin I’m sure it was something inspiring that we can all gain from. With that introduction the Preacher ripped out the note and opened it.
The note said “HEY, YOU ARE STANDING ON MY OXYGEN TUBE!”