Mary and Dave got along pretty well. But there was one thing that drove Mary absolutely crazy, and that was no matter how many times she told Dave how important it was to her that he come on time for dinner, he never did.
It was after one such spat that he got down on his knees and said “Mary, I promise I am turning over a new leaf. From now on I will be on time for dinner!”
Well, the next day, promptly at 5 o’clock, Dave locked up his shop and headed out the door to his car. When suddenly out of nowhere a car pulled up next to his parked car and hit Dave. Dave was rushed to the hospital. Luckily they let him out after 3 hours and he walked in the door to his house at 8 o’clock.
Mary was livid! “Wait I can explain” pleaded Dave, “I got run over by a car!”
“REALLY!?,” screamed Mary, “IT TAKE 3 HOURS TO GET RUN OVER BY A CAR!?
“Ok everyone,” said the the instructor at the birthing class trying to get everyone’s attention. “We are going to do an exercise now, that’s purpose is to help the men sympathize with their partners.”
“We have here what’s called a pregnancy suit,” said the woman instructor, holding up an artificial stomach with a strap. “This imitates the feeling of being pregnant.” Which Husband volunteers to be the first one to try it on?”
“I will” said one man, taking the suit and trying it on. “This isn’t too bad said the man walking around. I think I could get used to this.” “Ok”, said the instructor smiling, “now I would like you to bend down and pick up my pen from the floor.”
“You want me to pick it up?” he said hesitantly, “just as I would if I was pregnant?” “Yes!” said the instructor.
“Honey,” said the man turning to his spouse “do you mind picking up that pen for me?”
“Harry,” whined Mary, to her husband of 20 years. “What should I do?! I’m not ready for old age! I’m only 40 years old but I look and feel like I’m over 55! My face is all wrinkly, my back is bent over, and my hair is all thinned out.”
“Well,” said Harry after looking her up and down, “There is one thing about you that still works as good as new.”
“Oh Harry!” said Mary sitting down next to her husband, “you always know just what to say! What are you referring to?”
“Never mind” said Harry looking down.
“C’mon Harry, please tell me what you were referring to.”
“Mary, please don’t make me.”
“Harry I insist.”
“Well I was going to remark about how your eyesight seems to be working just fine!”
Q. How many worn-out housewives does it take to change a light bulb?
A. one – ONE! That’s right you guessed it, it’s me! Why ME?! Do you think I have nothing better to do with my time?! DO YOU THINK A HOUSE GETS CLEANED BY ITSELF???!! Is it my job to change the light bulb too?!
I feel like I’m constantly running after everyone cleaning up their mess! HAVE YOU SEEN ME SIT DOWN ONCE THE WHOLE DAY?!
And if anyone else in the family ever agrees to put in the light bulb, they complain the whole way through like I am squeezing there neck. It would just be easier for me to just do it myself. Being a housewife is the most under appreciated job in the world!
I SHOULD STOP CLEANING for a WEEK and then you’ll all appreciate all that I DO!
Ted was going bald there was no two ways about it. Trying to cheer him up his wife Barbara bought him a toupee.
Barbara was very excited to show off her “new husband”, so she was thrilled when one of their friends invited them to a party at their house.
It was later that night after the party that Barbara found Ted lounging around on the couch looking depressed.
“What’s wrong Honey?” said Barbara sitting down on the couch next to him.
“I didn’t enjoy the party at all,” complained Ted “I was so self conscious I felt like everyone was able to tell I was wearing a toupee.
“Oh Sweety” said Barbara patting Ted’s knee, “I’m sure nobody was able to tell!
In fact all of the people at the party that I told, were all surprised!”
It was Sally’s first time going for jury duty and she was a little bit apprehensive. “I would just like you to know” said Sally as soon as she was in front of the judge “that I feel very strongly that capital punishment is morally unjust and incorrect.” “That’s OK , said the judge “capital punishment is not a possibility in this case so it’s perfectly fine for you to serve on this jury.” “What’s the case about?” Asked Sally. “Well Mrs. Smith is filing a suit against her husband for gambling away the money she had saved for remodeling her bathroom”, replied the judge. “Alright” replied Sally “I’ll serve on this one, I may have been wrong about the capital punishment thing after all.”
Harry had been feeling sick lately and was finally convinced to see the Doctor after his wife Suzy’s urging. After a thorough examination, and much thought, the Doctor was ready to tell Harry and a very worried Suzy, his prognosis. Harry was too stressed out. He would need 6 months of pure relaxation. Suzy, very agitated, took out her notepad to begin writing down his list of orders for these months of relaxation. “How should I go about it?” asked Harry. “OK” said the doctor “I would like your wife to take one tranquilizer four times a day…”
A cop pulled over a car and finds a young couple in the front seat. “Where’s your seat belt young man?” asked the cop. “Oh, I just took if off now when you were walking up to the car”, responded the man. “No you didn’t!” exclaimed his wife, “you never wear your seat belt!”. A little taken aback, the cop asked to see his license. “Aw shucks!” cried the man, “I must have left it home!” “Yeah right!” screamed his wife, “You know it expired 3 months ago!” At a loss for words, the cop asked the woman “are you always so tough on him?!” “No” responded the young woman, “only when he had too much to drink!”.
Sally walked in to the Dentist office to make an appointment. “How much do you charge to pull out a tooth?” She asked.” “It’s $130”, was the prompt reply. “$130!” gasped Sally, that’s ridiculous! There must be a way for you to go cheaper.” “Well,” said the Dentist thoughtfully, I suppose if we don’t numb it, we could knock off $30.” “Only $30?,” countered Sally, “that’s still $100, you’ve got to make it cheaper.” “Well,” said the Dentist after a long pause, “I suppose if we take it out with a wrench we could knock it down to $50.” “Perfect”, said Sally happily. “I would like to make an appointment for next Tuesday, for my husband Jack.”
Marriage is a relationship were one person is always right…………and the other is the husband. -Arnold