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Anniversary Joke

Bill’s second Anniversary was coming up and if there was one thing that got his wife Suzy upset, it was not getting a thoughtful gift on a special occasion.

Bill quizzed all his friends, co workers, clients and anyone he happened to bump into, as to what would be a good anniversary present. He finally settled on a huge bouquet of flowers.

Not willing to trust himself to pick out the right flowers, Bill called up a local flower shop with strict instructions to deliver the biggest most beautiful bouquet of flowers first thing in the morning with the following note “Happy Anniversary Year Number Two!”

The morning of the Anniversary Bill made sure Suzy would be the one to answer the door as he waited anxiously in the other room.

“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS ALL ABOUT?!” Hollered Suzie angrily holding up his well thought out note, “Happy Anniversary You’re Number Two!”

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Marriage Fight Joke

Mary and Dave got along pretty well. But there was one thing that drove Mary absolutely crazy, and that was no matter how many times she told Dave how important it was to her that he come on time for dinner, he never did.

It was after one such spat that he got down on his knees and said “Mary, I promise I am turning over a new leaf.  From now on I will be on time for dinner!”

Well, the next day, promptly at 5 o’clock, Dave locked up his shop and headed out the door to his car. When suddenly out of nowhere a car pulled up next to his parked car and hit Dave.  Dave was rushed to the hospital.  Luckily they let him out after 3 hours and he walked in the door to his house at 8 o’clock.

Mary was livid! “Wait I can explain” pleaded Dave, “I got run over by a car!”

“REALLY!?,” screamed Mary, “IT TAKE 3 HOURS TO GET RUN OVER BY A CAR!?

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Fatty Joke

There were no two ways about it.  Rosie was fat.  Very fat.  “Martha”, said Rosie to her best friend, “it was terrible what happened yesterday after the birthday party. You know how half of the birthday cake was left over? Well, I knew Bob would be fuming at me for eating it,with my diet and all, but I couldn’t help myself, it started with just a small nibble and before I knew it the whole cake was gone!.”

“Oh my!” clucked Martha, “was Bob really upset?”

“He never found it”, responded Rosie with a full double chin smile, “I just baked another cake and ate half of it!”

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Posted in Funny Stories, Husband Wife Jokes, Life Jokes, Relationship Jokes, Women Jokes
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It Started Joke

John walks into his 5th floor apartment after a long day of work, he exhaustively sinks into his favorite arm chair, puts up his footrest, turns on the TV, and turns to his wife Hannah, “Honey, please get me a hard drink, I think it’s about to start.”

Hannah rolls her eyes, heads to the kitchen, takes out a beer from the fridge, and brings it to John.

“Honey”, said John, two minutes later, “please get me another one quickly before it starts.”

“WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU, YOU LAZY GOOD FOR NOTHING!” Hannah exclaimed, “DO YOU THINK I’M YOUR PERSONAL WAITER!? YOU PLOP YOURSELF DOWN ON YOUR EASY CHAIR AND EXPECT ME TO BE ON YOUR BECK AND CALL!? IS THAT ALL I’M GOOD FOR!?

John sighs, and mutters under his breath, “it started….”

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Backseat Driver Joke

A wife was sitting peacefully in her cozy armchair sewing her husband’s socks. Her husband came in to the room and glanced at what she was doing,  and started badgering, “HONEY be more careful!    PLEASE WATCH WHAT YOU ARE DOING!     You don’t wan’t to poke YOUR finger!    HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU!     Don’t look up when YOUR’E SEWING! There you go now slow and steady, nice even stitches.

The wife puts down the needle and thread, looks up at her husband, and says, “What the hell is wrong with you? Do you know how many times I’ve sewn socks before?!

“EXACTLY THE POINT I WAS TRYING TO GET AT”, hollered the husband, “DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY TIMES I’VE DRIVEN A CAR BEFORE!?
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Handyman Husband Joke

“Honey!” screamed my husband from our bedroom, “you MUST check this out!

“What is it?” I hollered back from the kitchen.

“You’re not going to believe what I found when I was drilling a hole  through the wall! I found a secret stash of bottles!”

Just then my I heard my daughters voice hollering from the bathroom, “I’m trying to brush my teeth in here! Who the hell is drilling a hole through the medicine cabinet!?”

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Wife Insult Joke

“Harry,” whined Mary, to her husband of 20 years. “What should I do?! I’m not ready for old age! I’m only 40 years old but I look and feel like I’m over 55! My face is all wrinkly, my back is bent over, and my hair is all thinned out.”

“Well,” said Harry after looking her up and down, “There is one thing about you that still works as good as new.”

“Oh Harry!” said Mary sitting down next to her husband, “you always know just what to say! What are you referring to?”

“Never mind” said Harry looking down.

“C’mon Harry, please tell me what you were referring to.”

“Mary, please don’t make me.”

“Harry I insist.”

“Well I was going to remark about how your eyesight seems to be working just fine!”

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Gambling Joke

John Sam and Abe, 3 retired friends,would get together every night, rain or shine, to play poker. It was a nice way to pass the time and the men enjoyed it immensely.

John’s wife wasn’t so fond of her husband’s poker playing.  She thought it was a dirty and low way to fill his time, but she had long ago resigned herself to her sorry fate, although inside of her, there was  always a low flame on the back burner waiting to erupt.

One Wednesday night, after a few nights of boring games, something exciting happened.  Sam watched in amusement as John and Abe, each convinced that they had the better hand,  slowly put their life savings into the pot. Things started to get really intense when John, running out of available cash, added  his car and house into the pot.

When there was no money left to bet on they each showed their cards.  As soon as John saw Abe’s cards and realized he had lost, he had a heart attack and died.

“Sam,” asked Abe “how are we going to tell his wife?” “Don’t worry I’ll take care of it” Abe replied.

Abe knocked on John’s door. “John just lost all of your life savings in a poker game,” said Sam when the door was opened. “He’s afraid to come home.”

John’s wife was fuming “HE DID WHAT?!” She screamed. “TELL HIM I DON’T WANT TO EVER SEE HIS FACE AGAIN! TELL HIM TO JUST DROP DEAD!”

“Ok,” said Sam nodding his head, “I’ll tell him just that!”

 

 

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Girl Friend Joke

“Brian, what’s wrong with you? You’ve been sitting at your desk looking depressed for the last five minutes!” “Oh Dan,” responded Brian “I don’t know what to do! I got in a big fight last night with my Suzie, she claims I never buy her gifts, so I must not care about her!”

“Brian, that’s horrible!” said Dan putting his arm around Brian. “What type of a gift does she want already?”

“Well, right before she closed the door on my face she said to me: “Why don’t you show me how much you care about me? Why can’t you get me something that goes from 0 to 175 in seconds!”

“Dan what should I do? I don’t have that kind of money? I can’t go out and buy her a car!”

“A car? Asked Dan. “Who needs a car? Just stop by Target and buy her a scale!”

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Marital Bliss Joke

“So Grandpa” asked Dave at his engagement party “your marriage to Grandma is legendary everyone talks about how you two get along so well and never fight, what’s the secret to your marital success?”

“Well” said Grandpa Joe after taking a deep puff on his cigar “it all started on the way home from our wedding, we hadn’t gone but a mile when the horse started giving us trouble I gave the horse a little whip and that’s when I heard your Grandma say in a low voice “that’s strike one.” A bit later the horse stopped again “that’s strike two” she said. The third time it stopped she grabbed my shotgun out of my holster and shot it in the head.

I was in shock!  “What in the world was that all about?” I had protested at the time.  “That’s strike one!”  she said back to me.  “And that is what I owe our marital success to.”

 

 

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