Clean Jokes

Work Humor

Enjoy our collection of work humor, after all that’s what they are here for!

Lawyer Trying To Prove His Clients Innocence Backfires

Posted in Clever Jokes, Lawyer Jokes

A fellow’s wife went missing and being that everyone knew that he and his wife were in a big fight he was accused of murdering her and disposing of the body. When witness after witness came to the stand testifying to all sorts of horrible threats that the accused threatened his wife and things were looking quite dim for the accused the man’s lawyer got up to the stand.

“Ladies and Gentleman of the jury I have something quite exciting to tell you, if you would all please direct your attention towards the door behind me on my left you will see the supposedly dead women walk in on her own two feet.”

There was a loud murmuring in the courtroom as all eyes turned towards the door. “Ladies and Gentleman” said the lawyer after a few seconds of anxious waiting, “To be honest with you, Nobody is going to be walking through the door, however from the fact that your eyes all turned towards the door it is quite obvious that you are not sure beyond the shadow of a doubt about my client’s guilt.”

To the lawyer’s great surprise, the jury decided that the man was guilty.

“But how could you say that he is guilty?  Didn’t I prove it to you?” Questioned the lawyer.

“It is true that we all turned towards the door,” one old lady explained, “but there was person who didn’t.”

“Whose that?” Questioned the indignant lawyer.

“Your client.” Came the reply.

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Writing A Will Joke

Posted in Death Jokes, Lawyer Jokes

A man hears from a doctor that his end is near so he heads over to a lawyer to write  a will.  The secretary watches as the man walks into the Lawyer’s office and as three minutes later the man walks off in a huff.  “Can I help you?” asks the secretary, dashing after the obviously upset man. “HELP ME? THIS GUY IS CRAZY! I asked him to help me write a will and he says to me:  ‘sure, let me just ask you a few questions and then leave it all to me.’  “I’ve heard before how lawyers are dishonest but this just takes the cake!”

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Happy Boss Joke

Posted in Boss Jokes

My boss called me into his office today.
“We both know you’re not the brightest spark here, Simon,” he said, “but over the last 5 years you’ve never been sick or late and I think you deserve a reward. So, how does a brand new car sound?”
“Vrooom! Vrooooom!” I replied.

- Submitted by Anything Goes Humor Ebook

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The Reason I’m Tired!

Posted in Office Jokes, Work Jokes

For a couple of years I’ve been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I’m tired because I’m overworked.

The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me.

And you’re sitting at your computer reading jokes!

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Finding A Job Joke

Posted in Clever Jokes, Work Jokes

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Bob Smith was sick of his job and was determined to find work elsewhere. But no matter how hard he tried, his reputation as someone who was not dedicated to the job, seemed to follow him around.

One day the phone rang at his office. Although Bob did not usually pick up the phone, he picked it up and said hello. “Hi” said the man on the line, “I have an unusual question to ask you, I’m looking into a fellow Bob Smith for a position in my company. Do you know this fellow?”

“Sure I know him”, responded Bob with a smile.

“Tell me,” asked the man. “Is he consistent with his work? Does he always show up on time?”

“Well I’ll be honest with you” Bob truthfully replied, “I’m not so consistent myself, but whenever I’m here he’s here!”

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Good News Joke

Posted in Work Jokes

Sam and Thomas had been business partners for the past 50 years. They were in the wholesale clothing business and lately business was not as glorious as it had been. They had recently bought 400 polka dot dresses and no one seemed the slightest bit interested in them.

After holding on to the dresses for almost a year, the two had piratically given up hope on them, when a middle aged women walked into their showroom.

After seeing the dresses she was so excited about the polka dot design that she wanted to purchase all 400 dresses on the spot.

Totally elated, Sam tried to play it cool and negotiated a great price with the women. When they were just about ready to close the deal she mentioned the she would need to get approval by her boss before continuing.

Being that it was close to the end of the day, she said she would phone them by 9:30 the next morning if there was a problem. Otherwise the deal would be on. After a sleepless night, Sam and Thomas stood anxiously by the phone the next day. At 9:28 the phone rang and Thomas breathlessly answered the call while Sam waited anxiously. “Good news!” Said Thomas. “It was your wife saying your mom just died!”

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Interview Joke

Posted in Work Jokes

Always self conscious of his lack of ears, whenever Bob would interview a future employee, he would as him “what do you notice different about me?”. If the employee would mention his lack of ears (which often they did), it would be a for sure “no” for the job. However if the employee would mention something else, he would hire the guy.

One year, at the yearly Holiday business party, Bob approached his most recent hireling and asked him if he remembered the last question he had asked him when interviewing him for the job. “Sure I do” was his reply. “You asked me what was different about you and I said that you were wearing contact lenses.” “Of all things to answer”, Bob questioned curiously, “why was that the thing you noticed?” “Well, to be honest, it was quite simple. How could you possibly be wearing glasses if you don’t have any ears!”

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Ethics Joke

Posted in Work Jokes

“So, Jimmy”, said Grandpa, as they stood on line at the local grocery store.  “What did you learn in school today?”  “To tell you the truth”, answered young Jimmy, “I’m not exactly sure”.  “My teacher was going on and on about something called ethics, and I still don’t know what she was talking about!”  Jimmy replied.

“Ah, ethics” responded Grandpa, “very important indeed”.  “Well, let’s say the cashier gives me back too much change, ethics would be whether I keep the change for myself, or if I give it back to Grandma!”

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Bankruptcy Joke

Posted in Work Jokes

“I just can’t take it anymore” cried Larry to his Priest. “No matter how hard I try, I just can’t seem to put bread on the table!”

“Larry, listen closely to what I am going to tell you” said the Priest. “Go to a quiet place outdoors where you can spend some time with the Lord. Sit down with the Bible in front of you and let the wind turn the pages. Close your eyes and think about the Lord. When you open your eyes, see what page the Bible is opened to, and there you will find your message.”

Three months later the Priest was walking up the church steps when he spotted Larry speeding by in a brand new Lexus. “Larry!” screamed the priest incredulously. “What happened? Let me hear your story!”

“Well,” said Larry “it was just as you said. I sat in a quiet place, closed my eyes, and when I opened them the answer was right in front of me. It was opened to Chapter 11!”

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Working Joke

Posted in Work Jokes

“Frank Smith,” announced the judge, “for breaking into a house in the middle of the night, I sentence you to two year in prison.”
“But your honor,” pleaded Smith, “last time I was in court you sentenced me to a year in jail for breaking into a house in the day! If not in the middle of the night, and not in the middle of the day, just when am I supposed to earn my living?”

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