Always self conscious of his lack of ears, whenever Bob would interview a future employee, he would as him “what do you notice different about me?”. If the employee would mention his lack of ears (which often they did), it would be a for sure “no” for the job. However if the employee would mention something else, he would hire the guy.

One year, at the yearly Holiday business party, Bob approached his most recent hireling and asked him if he remembered the last question he had asked him when interviewing him for the job. “Sure I do” was his reply. “You asked me what was different about you and I said that you were wearing contact lenses.” “Of all things to answer”, Bob questioned curiously, “why was that the thing you noticed?” “Well, to be honest, it was quite simple. How could you possibly be wearing glasses if you don’t have any ears!”

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“So, Jimmy”, said Grandpa, as they stood on line at the local grocery store.  “What did you learn in school today?”  “To tell you the truth”, answered young Jimmy, “I’m not exactly sure”.  “My teacher was going on and on about something called ethics, and I still don’t know what she was talking about!”  Jimmy replied.

“Ah, ethics” responded Grandpa, “very important indeed”.  “Well, let’s say the cashier gives me back too much change, ethics would be whether I keep the change for myself, or if I give it back to Grandma!”

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“I just can’t take it anymore” cried Larry to his Priest. “No matter how hard I try, I just can’t seem to put bread on the table!”

“Larry, listen closely to what I am going to tell you” said the Priest. “Go to a quiet place outdoors where you can spend some time with the Lord. Sit down with the Bible in front of you and let the wind turn the pages. Close your eyes and think about the Lord. When you open your eyes, see what page the Bible is opened to, and there you will find your message.”

Three months later the Priest was walking up the church steps when he spotted Larry speeding by in a brand new Lexus. “Larry!” screamed the priest incredulously. “What happened? Let me hear your story!”

“Well,” said Larry “it was just as you said. I sat in a quiet place, closed my eyes, and when I opened them the answer was right in front of me. It was opened to Chapter 11!”

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“Frank Smith,” announced the judge, “for breaking into a house in the middle of the night, I sentence you to two year in prison.”
“But your honor,” pleaded Smith, “last time I was in court you sentenced me to a year in jail for breaking into a house in the day! If not in the middle of the night, and not in the middle of the day, just when am I supposed to earn my living?”

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In the year 2010, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said: Once again the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.

Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing long with a few good humans.

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying: You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start
the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard – but no Ark.
Noah! He roared, I’m about to start the rain! Where is the Ark ?
Forgive me, Lord, begged Noah, but things have changed.
I needed a building permit.
I’ve been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system.
My neighbors claim that I’ve violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.
Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark ‘s move to the sea.
I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
Getting the wood was another problem. There’s a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl.
I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls – but no go!
When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me.
They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will.
They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
Then the EPA ruled that I couldn’t build the Ark until they’d conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
I’m still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I’m supposed to hire for my building crew.
Immigration is checking the status of most of the people who want to work.
The trade unions say I can’t use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.
To make matters worse, they seized all my assets, claiming I’m trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.
So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this ark.
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, “You mean you’re not going to destroy the world?”
“No,” said the Lord.

“The government beat me to it.”

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As a professional photographer, Judy takes a lot of pride in her pictures. Wherever she goes, she brings her pictures with her, to show off her work. “Wow”, said her host Sandra, “these are really nice pictures, you must have a great camera.” Fuming mad at the implication that her whole talent came from her camera. Judy waited until the end of the meal and then thanked her host, “thank you the meal was delicious,” and then as if an afterthought added, “you must have great pots.”

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