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Doctor Humor

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Enjoy our collection of doctor humor, after all that’s what they are here for!

Quarantine Joke

Posted in Doctor Jokes, Medical Jokes

“I hate to have to tell you this”, said the Doctor in a sad compassionate voice,  “but you have been unfortunately been diagnosed with a highly contagious disease, we will have to quarantine you and you’ll only be fed cheese and bologna.”

“That’s terrible!” Said the distraught young man, quickly sitting down before he could faint. “I don’t know if I could handle being in quarantine…and the cheese and bologna diet…

What’s with the cheese and bologna diet anyway? I’ve never of such a diet before?!”

“It’s not exactly a diet”, responded the Doctor matter of factly, “it’s just the only food that will fit under the door!”
door3

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High Fever Joke

Posted in Cute Jokes, Doctor Jokes, Little Johnny Jokes, Medical Jokes

My four year old daughter had a terrible case of the flu, she was achy, had a high fever, and was terribly hoarse. After waiting in the waiting room at the doctor’s office for over an hour we were finally admitted to see the Doctor.

After the usual routine of listening to her breathing and checking her ears, the Doctor looked my daughter in the eye and said, “so what would you say is bothering  you the most?”

Without skipping a beat my daughter promptly answered, “Billy, he always breaks my toys!”

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Toilet Humor

Posted in Doctor Jokes, Nurse Jokes

A lady came in for a routine physical at the Doctor’s office . “Here”, said the nurse, handing her a urine specimen container. “The bathroom is over there on your right. The Doctor will be with you in a few minutes.”

A few minutes later the lady came out of the bathroom with an empty container and a relieved look on her face.

“Thanks! But they had a toilet in there, so I didn’t need this after all!”

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Medical History Joke

Posted in Doctor Jokes, Medical Jokes

Due to a job transfer, Brian moved from his hometown to New York City.  Being that he had a very comprehensive health history, he brought along all of his medical paperwork, when it came time for his first check up with his new Doctor.

After browsing through the extensive medical history, the Doctor stared at Brian for a few moments and said, ” Well there’s one thing I can say for certain, you sure look better in person than you do on paper!”

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Injury Joke

Posted in Cheesy Jokes, Hospital Jokes

Did you here about the guy who lost his whole left side?
He’s alright now!

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Hypochondriac Joke

Posted in Doctor Jokes, Medical Jokes

Brian, one of the worlds greatest hypochondriacs, bumped into his Dr. one day at the supermarket.

“Doc!” Brian exclaimed, “I’ve been meaning to tell you, remember those voices I kept on hearing in my head? I haven’t heard them in over a week!”

“Wow! What wonderful news Brian! I’m so happy for you!” his Dr. exclaimed.

“Wonderful?” asked a dismal looking Brian. “There’s nothing wonderful about it. I’m afraid my hearing is starting to go now!

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Alcohol Joke

Posted in Doctor Jokes, Drunk Jokes

Doctor: “I am not exactly sure of the cause. I think it could be due to alcohol.”
Patient: “That’s OK. I will come back when you are sober.”

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Poor Husband Joke

Posted in Husband Wife Jokes, Medical Jokes, Relationship Jokes, Wife Jokes

Sally walked in to the Dentist office to make an appointment. “How much do you charge to pull out a tooth?” She asked.” “It’s $130″, was the prompt reply. “$130!” gasped Sally, that’s ridiculous! There must be a way for you to go cheaper.” “Well,” said the Dentist thoughtfully, I suppose if we don’t numb it, we could knock off $30.” “Only $30?,” countered Sally, “that’s still $100, you’ve got to make it cheaper.” “Well,” said the Dentist after a long pause, “I suppose if we take it out with a wrench we could knock it down to $50.” “Perfect”, said Sally happily. “I would like to make an appointment for next Tuesday, for my husband Jack.”

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Enjoy Life Joke

Posted in Doctor Jokes, Old People Jokes

Sam goes to the doctor for his yearly checkup. “Everything is fine”, said the doctor, “You’re doing OK for your age.” “For my age?” questioned Sam, “I’m only 75, do you think I’ll make it to 80? “Well” said the doctor, “do you drink or smoke?” “No” Sam replied. “Do you eat fatty meat or sweets?” “No” said Sam “I am very careful about what I eat.” “How about your activities? Do you engage in thrilling behaviors like speeding or skiing? “No” said Sam taken aback, “I would never engage in dangerous activities.” “Well,” said the doctor, “then why in the world would you want to live to be 80?

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Nervous Dad Joke

Posted in Funny Stories, Hospital Jokes

“Just relax”, the hospital staff kept telling Jim, but it was to no avail. Jim’s wife was in labor and Jim was a nervous wreck. After what seemed like a week, to both Jim and the hospital staff, a nurse came out with the happy news, “it’s a girl”, she cried. “Thank G-d, a girl”, said Jim, “at least she won’t have to go through what I just went through!”

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