My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person…so that I can get a better girlfriend!
Enjoy our collection of marriage humor, after all that’s what they are here for!
“Ok everyone,” said the the instructor at the birthing class trying to get everyone’s attention. “We are going to do an exercise now, that’s purpose is to help the men sympathize with their partners.”
“We have here what’s called a pregnancy suit,” said the woman instructor, holding up an artificial stomach with a strap. ”This imitates the feeling of being pregnant.” Which Husband volunteers to be the first one to try it on?”
“I will” said one man, taking the suit and trying it on. ”This isn’t too bad said the man walking around. I think I could get used to this.” “Ok”, said the instructor smiling, “now I would like you to bend down and pick up my pen from the floor.”
“You want me to pick it up?” he said hesitantly, ”just as I would if I was pregnant?” “Yes!” said the instructor.
“Honey,” said the man turning to his spouse “do you mind picking up that pen for me?”
“Mom, Dad, sit down. I have something very important to tell you,” said Samantha, upon her return home from college after graduation. “I met a guy who lives near the college that I really like and we decided we are going to get married!”
“Oh Samantha! I am so happy for you!” Gushed her Mom giving her a big hug, “I hope you two will be really happy together! I can’t wait to meet him!”
“Tell us more about him” said her Dad, “does he have any money?”
“Oh Dad! Is that all you men ever think about?
That was the first question he asked me about you too!”
“Harry,” whined Mary, to her husband of 20 years. “What should I do?! I’m not ready for old age! I’m only 40 years old but I look and feel like I’m over 55! My face is all wrinkly, my back is bent over, and my hair is all thinned out.”
“Well,” said Harry after looking her up and down, “There is one thing about you that still works as good as new.”
“Oh Harry!” said Mary sitting down next to her husband, “you always know just what to say! What are you referring to?”
“Never mind” said Harry looking down.
“C’mon Harry, please tell me what you were referring to.”
“Mary, please don’t make me.”
“Harry I insist.”
“Well I was going to remark about how your eyesight seems to be working just fine!”
Q. How many worn-out housewives does it take to change a light bulb?
A. one – ONE! That’s right you guessed it, it’s me! Why ME?! Do you think I have nothing better to do with my time?! DO YOU THINK A HOUSE GETS CLEANED BY ITSELF???!! Is it my job to change the light bulb too?!
I feel like I’m constantly running after everyone cleaning up their mess! HAVE YOU SEEN ME SIT DOWN ONCE THE WHOLE DAY?!
And if anyone else in the family ever agrees to put in the light bulb, they complain the whole way through like I am squeezing there neck. It would just be easier for me to just do it myself. Being a housewife is the most under appreciated job in the world!
I SHOULD STOP CLEANING for a WEEK and then you’ll all appreciate all that I DO!
Mark was passing by the bar on the way home from work when he sees his good friend Tom gulping down one shot after another.
Fearing the worst, Mark charged into the bar and confronted Tom.
“Tom what’s going on?” Mark asked.
“It’s my wife Beckie,” Tom replied. “She ran off with my best friend!”
“Hey wait a second! Said Mark “Aren’t I your best friend?”
“Not any more,” Tom said with a happy smile.
John Sam and Abe, 3 retired friends,would get together every night, rain or shine, to play poker. It was a nice way to pass the time and the men enjoyed it immensely.
John’s wife wasn’t so fond of her husband’s poker playing. She thought it was a dirty and low way to fill his time, but she had long ago resigned herself to her sorry fate, although inside of her, there was always a low flame on the back burner waiting to erupt.
One Wednesday night, after a few nights of boring games, something exciting happened. Sam watched in amusement as John and Abe, each convinced that they had the better hand, slowly put their life savings into the pot. Things started to get really intense when John, running out of available cash, added his car and house into the pot.
When there was no money left to bet on they each showed their cards. As soon as John saw Abe’s cards and realized he had lost, he had a heart attack and died.
“Sam,” asked Abe “how are we going to tell his wife?” “Don’t worry I’ll take care of it” Abe replied.
Abe knocked on John’s door. “John just lost all of your life savings in a poker game,” said Sam when the door was opened. “He’s afraid to come home.”
John’s wife was fuming “HE DID WHAT?!” She screamed. “TELL HIM I DON’T WANT TO EVER SEE HIS FACE AGAIN! TELL HIM TO JUST DROP DEAD!”
“Ok,” said Sam nodding his head, “I’ll tell him just that!”
Harry and his buddy Sam were going for a stroll. “Sam” said Harry “You know my wife?” “Sure do” said Sam. “Well she ain’t gonna be my wife anymore! Right after the weekend it’s gonna be over! I’m divorcing her!”
Sam was aghast, “Harry, I can’t believe it! You seemed to get along so well together! And she seemed like such a nice wife too!”
Harry stopped walking and and turned to Sam. “Sam, take a look at the loafers I’m wearing. Don’t they look comfy? They have a nice stylish shape, and they look mighty comfortable. Don’t they Sam?”
“They do Harry” said Sam, “but I’m not quite sure what you are getting at.”
“Well guess what Sam?” said Harry raising his voice, “I’m the only one who knows that they are pinching my darn feet!!!”
“Brian, what’s wrong with you? You’ve been sitting at your desk looking depressed for the last five minutes!” “Oh Dan,” responded Brian “I don’t know what to do! I got in a big fight last night with my Suzie, she claims I never buy her gifts, so I must not care about her!”
“Brian, that’s horrible!” said Dan putting his arm around Brian. “What type of a gift does she want already?”
“Well, right before she closed the door on my face she said to me: “Why don’t you show me how much you care about me? Why can’t you get me something that goes from 0 to 175 in seconds!”
“Dan what should I do? I don’t have that kind of money? I can’t go out and buy her a car!”
“A car? Asked Dan. “Who needs a car? Just stop by Target and buy her a scale!”