Clean Jokes

Marriage Humor

Enjoy our collection of marriage humor, after all that’s what they are here for!

Pregnancy Joke

Posted in Doctor Jokes, Funny Stories, Hospital Jokes, Relationship Jokes

Brian’s stress level was at unsurpassed levels.  His wife Maggie was in labor and Brian was sure it was time to head to the hospital.  Breathing heavily, Brian grabbed the phone and called the doctor.   “MY WIFE, SHE’S READY, SHOULD WE COME?”  The doctor tried to relax the poor fellow, “just try to relax, now tell me how much time elapses between the contractions?”  “SHIRLEY!”  Brian screamed on the top of his lungs,  “HOW MUCH TIME IN BETWEEN THE CONTRACTIONS? TEN MINUTES? OK, TEN MINUTES IN BETWEEN!”

“And is this her first child?” Questioned the doctor. “NO YOU STUPID NITWIT, THIS IS HER HUSBAND!”

GD Star Rating
loading...

Fatty Joke

Posted in Funny Stories, Husband Wife Jokes, Life Jokes, Relationship Jokes, Women Jokes

There were no two ways about it.  Rosie was fat.  Very fat.  “Martha”, said Rosie to her best friend, “it was terrible what happened yesterday after the birthday party. You know how half of the birthday cake was left over? Well, I knew Bob would be fuming at me for eating it,with my diet and all, but I couldn’t help myself, it started with just a small nibble and before I knew it the whole cake was gone!.”

“Oh my!” clucked Martha, “was Bob really upset?”

“He never found it”, responded Rosie with a full double chin smile, “I just baked another cake and ate half of it!”

GD Star Rating
loading...

It Started Joke

Posted in Husband Wife Jokes, Marriage Jokes, Relationship Jokes

John walks into his 5th floor apartment after a long day of work, he exhaustively sinks into his favorite arm chair, puts up his footrest, turns on the TV, and turns to his wife Hannah, “Honey, please get me a hard drink, I think it’s about to start.”

Hannah rolls her eyes, heads to the kitchen, takes out a beer from the fridge, and brings it to John.

“Honey”, said John, two minutes later, “please get me another one quickly before it starts.”

“WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU, YOU LAZY GOOD FOR NOTHING!” Hannah exclaimed, “DO YOU THINK I’M YOUR PERSONAL WAITER!? YOU PLOP YOURSELF DOWN ON YOUR EASY CHAIR AND EXPECT ME TO BE ON YOUR BECK AND CALL!? IS THAT ALL I’M GOOD FOR!?

John sighs, and mutters under his breath, “it started….”

GD Star Rating
loading...
Advertisements

The Sensitive Man

Posted in Relationship Jokes

Personal Ad found in Newspaper:

I am a sensitive man whom you can open your heart to,
share your innermost thought and deepest secrets.
Confide in me. I’ll understand your insecurities.
No fatties, please
POB 86.

GD Star Rating
loading...

Backseat Driver Joke

Posted in Husband Wife Jokes, Relationship Jokes

A wife was sitting peacefully in her cozy armchair sewing her husband’s socks. Her husband came in to the room and glanced at what she was doing,  and started badgering, “HONEY be more careful!    PLEASE WATCH WHAT YOU ARE DOING!     You don’t wan’t to poke YOUR finger!    HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU!     Don’t look up when YOUR’E SEWING! There you go now slow and steady, nice even stitches.

The wife puts down the needle and thread, looks up at her husband, and says, “What the hell is wrong with you? Do you know how many times I’ve sewn socks before?!

“EXACTLY THE POINT I WAS TRYING TO GET AT”, hollered the husband, “DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY TIMES I’VE DRIVEN A CAR BEFORE!?
GD Star Rating
loading...

Handyman Husband Joke

Posted in Husband Jokes, Husband Wife Jokes, Life Jokes

“Honey!” screamed my husband from our bedroom, “you MUST check this out!

“What is it?” I hollered back from the kitchen.

“You’re not going to believe what I found when I was drilling a hole  through the wall! I found a secret stash of bottles!”

Just then my I heard my daughters voice hollering from the bathroom, “I’m trying to brush my teeth in here! Who the hell is drilling a hole through the medicine cabinet!?”

GD Star Rating
loading...

Adam and Eve Joke

Posted in Funny Speech Openers, Marriage Jokes, Relationship Jokes, Religious Jokes

Existence was so tranquil and peaceful for the young couple Adam and Eve, like straight out of a story book, until one unfortunate day when Adam showed up one hour late for supper.

By the time Adam finally came home Eve was a nervous wreck, and her imagination was working overtime.

“Honey, what happened? Why are you home so late?” Questioned Eve. “Oh I’m sorry! Adam responded with a wave of his hand, “I just lost track of the time.”

Now Eve didn’t have a Mother or girlfriend around to calm her fears, after all it was just her and her Husband and despite Adam’s convincing act  her overactive imagination could not be calmed.

That night after two hours of restlessly turning in her bed, enough was enough.

“WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING!” Hollered Adam jumping out of bed.

“YOU KNOW DARN WELL WHAT I’M DOING” Screamed Eve right back, “NOW YOU BETTER LAY STILL RIGHT NOW, AND LET ME FINISH COUNTING THOSE RIBS!

GD Star Rating
loading...

Girlfriend Joke

Posted in Relationship Jokes

My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person…so that I can get a better girlfriend!

GD Star Rating
loading...

Feeling Pregnant Joke

Posted in Funny Stories, Husband Jokes, Relationship Jokes, Wife Jokes

“Ok everyone,” said the the instructor at the birthing class trying to get everyone’s attention. “We are going to do an exercise now, that’s purpose is to  help the men sympathize with their partners.”

“We have here what’s called a pregnancy suit,” said the woman instructor, holding up an artificial stomach with a strap.  “This imitates the feeling of being pregnant.” Which Husband volunteers to be the first one to try it on?”

“I will” said one man, taking the suit and trying it on.  “This isn’t too bad said the man walking around. I think I could get used to this.” “Ok”, said the instructor smiling, “now I would like you to bend down and pick up my pen from the floor.”

“You want me to pick it up?”  he said hesitantly,  “just as I would if I was pregnant?” “Yes!” said the instructor.

“Honey,” said the man turning to his spouse “do you mind picking up that pen for me?”

GD Star Rating
loading...

Father In Law Joke

Posted in Marriage Jokes, Relationship Jokes

“Mom, Dad, sit down.  I have something very important to tell you,” said Samantha, upon her return home from college after graduation. “I met a guy  who lives near the college that I really like and we decided we are going to get married!”

“Oh Samantha! I am so happy for you!” Gushed her Mom giving her a big hug, “I hope you two will be really happy together! I can’t wait to meet him!”

“Tell us more about him” said her Dad, “does he have any money?”

“Oh Dad! Is that all you men ever think about?

That was the first question he asked me about you too!”

 

 

GD Star Rating
loading...
Advertisements
Advertisements

Favorite Joke Categories