Clean Jokes

Drunk Humor

Enjoy our collection of drunk humor, after all that’s what they are here for!!

Joke About Cop Pulling Over A Drunk Man

Posted in Drunk Jokes

“Haha”, thought  the cop  gleefully, when he saw the staggering man walking out of the bar towards the parking lot, “I’ll just wait until he pulls out and then I’ll pull him over for drunk driving.”

There was no doubt about it the man was as drunk as could be, after tripping over a rock and dusting himself off, the man slowly made his way towards his car swaying every which way.  After opening the passenger side door by mistake, the man finally opened the right door and sat down heavily in the driver’s seat.

After dosing off for a few minutes the man seemed to awake out of his drunken slumber and slowly put his keys in the ignition turning on the car.

The man barely started pulling out before the cop turned on his sirens full blast and headed over to the car, “alright buddy” said the cop, “get on out and let me see you walk a straight line.” To the cops surprise the man easily walked a straight line.

After passing the Breathalyzer test too, the cop was positively mystified, “how’d you get sober so quick?” question the cop.

“Get sober?” responded the man with a smile, “I always was sober, I was just distracting you so all my drunken buddies could escape without you noticing!”

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Best Friend Joke

Posted in Bar Jokes, Marriage Jokes

Mark was passing by the bar on the way home from  work when he sees his good friend Tom gulping down one shot after another.

Fearing the worst, Mark charged into the bar and confronted Tom.

“Tom what’s going on?” Mark asked.

“It’s my wife Beckie,” Tom replied. “She ran off with my best friend!”

“Hey wait a second! Said Mark “Aren’t I your best friend?”

“Not any more,” Tom said with a happy smile.

“He is!”

 

 

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Snail Joke

Posted in Drunk Jokes, Husband Jokes

Tom’s wife was hosting a dinner party for some of her close friends, at their summer home. Moment’s before the guests were scheduled to arrive, she asked Tom if he would be ever so gracious to walk a block down to the beach to pick up some fresh snails for the party. On his way to the beach he passed the local bar, and figured he’d stop in for a quick drink before heading down to the beach to search for the snails.

One drink lead to the next, and before he knew it, it was 5:00 in the morning and he hadn’t gotten his wife those snails.

Quickly he hurried down to the beach, picked up a few snails, rushed home, and stumbled up the front steps, dropping the snails.

At that moment, his wife angrily opened the door asking him where he had been and how he had ruined her party.

Tom, looked towards the snails and said “C’mon you slow pokes! Just a few more steps and we’re there!”

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Bar Excuse Joke

Posted in Bar Jokes, Drunk Jokes, Husband Jokes, Men Jokes

Harry was sick and tired of being constantly badgered by his wife Barbara for spending so much time at the bar. Hoping it would help matters, Harry invited Barbara along with him.

“So what would you like?” Harry cordially asked, as she took her seat next to him. “Oh I don’t know” Barbara replied, “I guess I’ll take the same thing as you.”

“OK” said Harry to the bartender, “we’ll take two Johnny Walker’s on the rocks!”

Barbara barely took a sip of the drink before she started gagging “Oh my gosh! Get me a cup of water! This stuff is horrible! How do you drink this garbage?”

“See?” said Harry “and you think I come here just to have a good time?!

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Cemetery Joke

Posted in Drunk Jokes

‘Bob’s Tavern’ was right next door to a cemetery. One day in mid winter a drunk stumbled out of the tavern. Due to his drunk state he wasn’t careful where he was going and he fell into a freshly dug grave. “Help!” Screamed the drunk on the top of his lungs, “I’m freezing!”

Before long another drunk sauntered out of the tavern and made his way towards the first drunk’s cries. “I’m freezing!” Screamed the first drunk again.

“Of course you are” scolded the second drunk, coming closer. “You kicked off all of the dirt they had covered you with!”

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Drunkard Joke

Posted in Drunk Jokes

The poor man was such a habitual drinker that even he was finally convinced that he was an alcoholic . At his family’s urging he went to see a psychiatrist. After a lengthy consultation, the doctor sternly ordered that hereafter, every time the patient got drunk he was to report his transgression the very next day.
A few days later the patient staggered into the psychiatrist’s office.
“I wanna report that I wash drunk last night,” he mumbled.
“For heaven’s sake, man, you’re drunk right now! ”cried the doctor.
“Yeah I know,” said the patient, “but I’m gonna report this tomorrow.”

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Alcohol Joke

Posted in Doctor Jokes, Drunk Jokes

Doctor: “I am not exactly sure of the cause. I think it could be due to alcohol.”
Patient: “That’s OK. I will come back when you are sober.”

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Nasty Wife Joke

Posted in Drunk Jokes, Relationship Jokes, Wife Jokes

A cop pulled over a car and finds a young couple in the front seat. “Where’s your seat belt young man?” asked the cop. “Oh, I just took if off now when you were walking up to the car”, responded the man. “No you didn’t!” exclaimed his wife, “you never wear your seat belt!”. A little taken aback, the cop asked to see his license. “Aw shucks!” cried the man, “I must have left it home!” “Yeah right!” screamed his wife, “You know it expired 3 months ago!” At a loss for words, the cop asked the woman “are you always so tough on him?!” “No” responded the young woman, “only when he had too much to drink!”.

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Parrot Joke

Posted in Bar Jokes

So this Chinese fellow walks into a bar with a huge colorful parrot on his shoulder. “Wow”, says the bartender, “where did you get that from?” “From China”, answered the parrot, “they’ve got tons of them there!”

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Walk The Line Joke

Posted in Drunk Jokes, Police Jokes

A cop is doing standard patrol when he notices a car swerving all over the road. He quickly turns on his siren and pulls the guy over. “Alright,” says the cop, when the man gets out of the car. “Walk in a straight line.” “I’d be happy to,” says the drunk “just stop moving the stupid line.”

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