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Funny Speech Openers

There is nothing that help create an immediate bond with an audience better then a good joke. We tried to gather jokes that were proven to go over well in an audience. Try to find one that you can tie into your speech, good luck! Please enjoy our collection of “Funny Speech Openers”.

Adam and Eve Joke

Posted in Funny Speech Openers, Marriage Jokes, Relationship Jokes, Religious Jokes

Existence was so tranquil and peaceful for the young couple Adam and Eve, like straight out of a story book, until one unfortunate day when Adam showed up one hour late for supper.

By the time Adam finally came home Eve was a nervous wreck, and her imagination was working overtime.

“Honey, what happened? Why are you home so late?” Questioned Eve. “Oh I’m sorry! Adam responded with a wave of his hand, “I just lost track of the time.”

Now Eve didn’t have a Mother or girlfriend around to calm her fears, after all it was just her and her Husband and despite Adam’s convincing act  her overactive imagination could not be calmed.

That night after two hours of restlessly turning in her bed, enough was enough.

“WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING!” Hollered Adam jumping out of bed.

“YOU KNOW DARN WELL WHAT I’M DOING” Screamed Eve right back, “NOW YOU BETTER LAY STILL RIGHT NOW, AND LET ME FINISH COUNTING THOSE RIBS!

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Vice President Joke

Posted in Funny Speech Openers, Funny Stories, Jewish Jokes

In the year 2000 Joe Lieberman ran for president, being that he was the first potential Jew in high office he was given a lot of attention. After a disappointing loss Joe walked into his house. “Don’t worry” said his wife “in this house you’ll always be vice president!”

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Can You Hear Me??????

Posted in Funny Speech Openers, Good Jokes, Husband Jokes, Long Jokes, Marriage Jokes, Old People Jokes

An old man went to the Doctor complaining that his wife could barely hear. The Doctor suggested a test to find out the extent of the problem. “Stand far behind her and ask her a question, and then slowly move up and see how far away you are when she first responds.” The old man excited to finally be working on a solution for the problem, runs home and sees his wife preparing supper. ” Honey” the man asks standing around 20 feet away “whats for supper?” After receiving no response he tried it again 15 feet away, and again no response. Then again at 10 feet away and again no response. Finally he was 5 feet away “honey whats for supper?
She replies “For the fourth time it’s lasagna!”

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The Forgetful Actor

Posted in Funny Speech Openers, Good Jokes, Long Jokes

An actor had been out of work for 15 years because he always forgot his lines. Then one day he got a phone call from a director who wanted him for a big part in a play. All he had to say was “Hark! I hear the cannon roar! After much worry the actor decided to take  the role. Opening night arrived, and while he waited in the wings, the actor muttered to himself “Hark! I hear the cannon roar! Hark! I hear the cannon roar! The time for the entrance finally came and as the actor made his appearance, he heard a loud brooooom! He turned around and said, “what the hell was that?” -Robert De Nero

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Woops Sorry About That

Posted in Death Humor, Death Jokes, Funeral Jokes, Funny Speech Openers, Good Jokes, Long Jokes

Marvin, was in the hospital on his death bed. The family called Marvin’s Preacher to be with him in his final moments. As the Preacher stood by the bed, Marvin’s condition seemed to deteriorate, and Marvin motioned for someone to quickly pass him a pen and paper. The Preacher quickly got a pen and paper and lovingly handed it to Marvin. But before he had a chance to read the note, Marvin died. The Preacher feeling that now wasn’t the right time to read it put the note in his jacket pocket. It was at the funeral while speaking that the Preacher suddenly remembered the note. Reaching deep into his pocket the Preacher said “and you know what, I suddenly remembered that right before Marvin died he handed me a note, and knowing Marvin I’m sure it was something inspiring that we can all gain from. With that introduction the Preacher ripped out the note and opened it.
The note said “HEY, YOU ARE STANDING ON MY OXYGEN TUBE!”

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