1. Escalators don’t break down… they just turn into stairs
2. “I’m sorry” and “I apologize” mean the same thing… except when you’re at a funeral.
3. I intend to live forever… or die trying.
4. We never knew he was a drunk… until he showed up to work sober.
5. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
6. A blind man walks into a bar….And a table, and a chair.
7. At what age is it appropriate to tell my dog that he’s adopted?
8. Want to hear a pizza joke…. nah, it’s too cheesy. What about a construction joke? Oh never mind, I’m still working on that one. Did you hear the one about the rope? Skip it. Have you heard the one about the guy in the wheelchair? Never mind, it’s too lame.
9. I used to be in a band, we were called ‘lost dog’. You probably saw our posters.
10. I childproofed the house… but they still get in!
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
Q. What did the police officer say to the midget complaining that someone picked his pocket?
A. I can’t believe someone would stoop so low.
If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times don’t exaggerate!
Q. How did the blonde die while drinking milk.
A.The cow sat down.
Q. What did the cat say after eating two robins lying in the sun?
A. I just love baskin’ robins.
I had a dream I was eating a giant marshmallow, when I woke up my pillow was missing!
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Q: Why do you always find things in the last place you look?
Chicken#1 to #2 – How do I get to the other side?
Chicken #2 – You are on the other side, stupid.