Bill’s second Anniversary was coming up and if there was one thing that got his wife Suzy upset, it was not getting a thoughtful gift on a special occasion.
Bill quizzed all his friends, co workers, clients and anyone he happened to bump into, as to what would be a good anniversary present. He finally settled on a huge bouquet of flowers.
Not willing to trust himself to pick out the right flowers, Bill called up a local flower shop with strict instructions to deliver the biggest most beautiful bouquet of flowers first thing in the morning with the following note “Happy Anniversary Year Number Two!”
The morning of the Anniversary Bill made sure Suzy would be the one to answer the door as he waited anxiously in the other room.
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS ALL ABOUT?!” Hollered Suzie angrily holding up his well thought out note, “Happy Anniversary You’re Number Two!”
Mary and Dave got along pretty well. But there was one thing that drove Mary absolutely crazy, and that was no matter how many times she told Dave how important it was to her that he come on time for dinner, he never did.
It was after one such spat that he got down on his knees and said “Mary, I promise I am turning over a new leaf. From now on I will be on time for dinner!”
Well, the next day, promptly at 5 o’clock, Dave locked up his shop and headed out the door to his car. When suddenly out of nowhere a car pulled up next to his parked car and hit Dave. Dave was rushed to the hospital. Luckily they let him out after 3 hours and he walked in the door to his house at 8 o’clock.
Mary was livid! “Wait I can explain” pleaded Dave, “I got run over by a car!”
“REALLY!?,” screamed Mary, “IT TAKE 3 HOURS TO GET RUN OVER BY A CAR!?
“Hi Sarah, listen I only have a minute. I’m about to get picked up for a blind date, can you call me in a half hour just in case it’s going bad? Yes? Ok great! We’ll speak.”
Raquel gave herself a quick spray of perfume, checked herself out one more time in the mirror, and headed outside to wait for the guy.
Sure enough after twenty minutes Raquel was discreetly checking her watch. After ten more long minutes her phone finally buzzed.
Raquel listened for a few seconds, grimly pursed her lips, and turned to her date, “I feel terrible, but my Grandmother is terribly sick, and I must go home now .”
“No problem!” Said her date with a big grin, “in a few more minutes my dog was going to get run over!”
Brian’s stress level was at unsurpassed levels. His wife Maggie was in labor and Brian was sure it was time to head to the hospital. Breathing heavily, Brian grabbed the phone and called the doctor. “MY WIFE, SHE’S READY, SHOULD WE COME?” The doctor tried to relax the poor fellow, “just try to relax, now tell me how much time elapses between the contractions?” “SHIRLEY!” Brian screamed on the top of his lungs, “HOW MUCH TIME IN BETWEEN THE CONTRACTIONS? TEN MINUTES? OK, TEN MINUTES IN BETWEEN!”
“And is this her first child?” Questioned the doctor. “NO YOU STUPID NITWIT, THIS IS HER HUSBAND!”
There were no two ways about it. Rosie was fat. Very fat. “Martha”, said Rosie to her best friend, “it was terrible what happened yesterday after the birthday party. You know how half of the birthday cake was left over? Well, I knew Bob would be fuming at me for eating it,with my diet and all, but I couldn’t help myself, it started with just a small nibble and before I knew it the whole cake was gone!.”
“Oh my!” clucked Martha, “was Bob really upset?”
“He never found it”, responded Rosie with a full double chin smile, “I just baked another cake and ate half of it!”
John walks into his 5th floor apartment after a long day of work, he exhaustively sinks into his favorite arm chair, puts up his footrest, turns on the TV, and turns to his wife Hannah, “Honey, please get me a hard drink, I think it’s about to start.”
Hannah rolls her eyes, heads to the kitchen, takes out a beer from the fridge, and brings it to John.
“Honey”, said John, two minutes later, “please get me another one quickly before it starts.”
“WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU, YOU LAZY GOOD FOR NOTHING!” Hannah exclaimed, “DO YOU THINK I’M YOUR PERSONAL WAITER!? YOU PLOP YOURSELF DOWN ON YOUR EASY CHAIR AND EXPECT ME TO BE ON YOUR BECK AND CALL!? IS THAT ALL I’M GOOD FOR!?
John sighs, and mutters under his breath, “it started….”
Personal Ad found in Newspaper:
I am a sensitive man whom you can open your heart to,
share your innermost thought and deepest secrets.
Confide in me. I’ll understand your insecurities.
No fatties, please
A wife was sitting peacefully in her cozy armchair sewing her husband’s socks. Her husband came in to the room and glanced at what she was doing, and started badgering, “HONEY be more careful! PLEASE WATCH WHAT YOU ARE DOING! You don’t wan’t to poke YOUR finger! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU! Don’t look up when YOUR’E SEWING! There you go now slow and steady, nice even stitches.
The wife puts down the needle and thread, looks up at her husband, and says, “What the hell is wrong with you? Do you know how many times I’ve sewn socks before?!
“EXACTLY THE POINT I WAS TRYING TO GET AT”, hollered the husband, “DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY TIMES I’VE DRIVEN A CAR BEFORE!?
Existence was so tranquil and peaceful for the young couple Adam and Eve, like straight out of a story book, until one unfortunate day when Adam showed up one hour late for supper.
By the time Adam finally came home Eve was a nervous wreck, and her imagination was working overtime.
“Honey, what happened? Why are you home so late?” Questioned Eve. “Oh I’m sorry! Adam responded with a wave of his hand, “I just lost track of the time.”
Now Eve didn’t have a Mother or girlfriend around to calm her fears, after all it was just her and her Husband and despite Adam’s convincing act her overactive imagination could not be calmed.
That night after two hours of restlessly turning in her bed, enough was enough.
“WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING!” Hollered Adam jumping out of bed.
“YOU KNOW DARN WELL WHAT I’M DOING” Screamed Eve right back, “NOW YOU BETTER LAY STILL RIGHT NOW, AND LET ME FINISH COUNTING THOSE RIBS!
My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person…so that I can get a better girlfriend!