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Clean Jokes

Old People Jokes


Ever think about this one? Why is it accepted to make jokes about old people? Isn’t it racism? The discernible, answer is, that the same way nobody gets insulted when people make jokes in their own society, [because they obviously don't mean to be vicious or hurtful], when it comes to jokes about oldies, which we all hope to be one day, obviously nobody means to be degrading. So please revel in our hilarious collection of old people jokes.

Creative Commons License photo credit: jesuslizrd

The Internet What’s that?

Posted in Old People Jokes

“C’mon Ma you have got to try it” I pleaded to my elderly Mother. I don’t know how my Mother lasted this long without ever using the internet, but enough was enough! I thought.

“Ok” she said reluctantly settling down by the computer and slowly putting on her reading glasses “what do I do now?”

“Now I’m going to open the home page of google”, I explained. “OK here it is! Now type in ANY question you want into the bar over here and you will find an answer to your question.” I confidently assured her.

My Mother looked at me warily, thought for a second, and slowly began to type,

How is Gertrude doing this morning?

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Grandma Joke

Posted in Airplane Jokes, Long Jokes, Old People Jokes, People Jokes, Women Jokes

“Hi! My name is Gertrude,” said the lady next to him on the plane.  “It’s so nice to meet you! I’m flying to New York for my grandson’s third birthday. I’m so excited! I remember when he was just a little thumbkin and now he’s already three!  It’s really hard to believe. He’s the most adorable thing you’ve ever seen! You know what?  Hold on, I think I might have a picture on me.  Let me take a look in my purse, yes, here it is, just look at him, isn’t he adorable. Do you see his dimple on his left cheek? Simply adorable! I could stare at his picture all day.

Oh my, and you should hear him on the phone!  He is just the cutest, he says to me in the cutest voice “Hi Grandma!” It just gets me all teary eyed.”

After what seemed like two hours for the poor man sitting next to her, Gertrude seemed to realize that perhaps she was talking a bit too much. “You know, I feel terrible! Here I am just talking and talking without letting you get in a word edgewise!

Tell me..what do you think about my Grandson!”
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Aging Joke

Posted in Old People Jokes

One day, while strolling down the boardwalk, John bumped into an old friend of his, Rob, from high school. “You look great John, how do you stay looking so young? Why you must be 60 already but you don’t look a day over 40!” Rob exclaimed.

“I feel like I’m 40 too!” replied John.

“That’s incredible” exclaimed Rob, “Does it run in the family? How old was your dad when he passed?”

“Did I say he was dead?” asked John. “He’s 81 and is more active then ever. He just joined the neighborhood basketball team!” responded John.

“Whoa! Well how old was your Grandfather when he died?”

“Did I say he died” asked John. Rob was amazed. “He just had his 105th birthday and plays golf and goes swimming each day! He’s actually getting married this week!”

“Getting married?!” Rob asked. If he’s 105, why on earth does he want to get married?!

John looked at Rob and replied, “Did I say he wanted to?”

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Speeding Ticket Joke

Posted in Old People Jokes, Police Jokes

So there was this female business executive who was late for a meeting.
She is going 65 on a street where the speed limit is 40.

A cop pulls her over and says “ma’am, can I please see your license?”

She says “I’m sorry, officer, but I got it revoked two years ago for drunk driving.”

His brow furrows and he straightens up. “Well, can I please see the registration of your car?”

She says “I stole the car and I killed the driver; he’s in the trunk.”

“Ma’am, DON’T MOVE, I’m calling for backup.”

He mutters furiously into his walkie-talkie…

Five minutes later, half the squad pulls up, the Chief of Police walks over to the woman’s window.

“Ma’am, can I see your license?” he asks sternly.

“Of course, officer,” she smiles demurely and pulls out a license from her purse.

He squints warily at it. “This looks legitimate,” he mumbles.

“Can I see the registration to this car?”

She pulls it out of the glove compartment and hands it to him.

“Ma’am, stand back!”

He bangs open the trunk of the car and flinches: but it was completely empty…

The woman brandishes a finger at the first cop and says accusingly, “And I’ll bet that liar told you I was speeding too!!”

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Hearing Aid Joke

Posted in Old People Jokes

After much nagging from his wife, Sam was visiting the audiologist. Yes, he would need hearing aids and they ranged in price from $10.00 to $2,000, was what he was told.

“I’ll try the $10.00 pair” Sam said.

The nurse placed the hearing aids into his ears and hung a wire around his neck.

“Does the wire really have to be around my neck?” asked Sam.

“Why of course!” replied the nurse. “You think these things in your ears do anything?! It’s the wire around your neck – it makes people talk louder!”

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Too Old To Date Joke

Posted in Old People Jokes

The neighbors thought it was odd, but 93 year old Morton was dating again.  One Monday morning Morton woke up with a funny feeling that something important happened last night.  It was during breakfast, that Morton finally remembered what it was.  He had proposed to his date Greta. But what she answered he just couldn’t seem to remember.  Morton picked up the phone and dialed.  “Hi Greta”, said Morton, “I have a funny question for you, do you remember last night when I proposed?”  “Oh my gosh” gushed Greta, “I’m so glad you called, I knew I said yes to somebody but I just couldn’t recall who it was!”

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Exercise Joke

Posted in Old People Jokes

At the urging of Harry’s wife and doctor, 50 year old Harry finally made it to the gym. After consulting with one of the trainers, Harry decided to try out a steep treadmill. “Ok”, said the trainer “I’m going to set it for ten minutes, if you want to go longer just press start again.” At first Harry was doing fine but after 5 seconds he started getting tired, and after a minute he jumped off gasping for breath. Walking to the side to sit down, he passed by a friend of his. “Man”, said Harry. “I could barely last a full minute on that treadmill.” “Alright alright”, said his buddy, “no reason to brag!”

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Peanut Joke

Posted in Old People Jokes

Thinking that the presidential candidate needed to show a more human side of himself, his committee advised him to visit an old age home. Walking into the room of an old man, with the cameras whirring,  the nominee was surprised when the old man offered him some peanuts from a bowl on the table. “Thank you”, said the nominee after being offered more for the 3rd time, “why don’t you have some yourself?” “Oh, I can’t eat it”  said the old man, “I don’t have any teeth.”   “So why do you have them?” asked the confused nominee. “Oh, I like the chocolate around it” was the glib reply.

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LOL Joke

Posted in Funny Stories, Old People Jokes, Women Jokes

John angrily looked at the text he had just received from his Mom.  It read: “Professor called to say you failed the course.  LOL.  Mom. ”  How could he have failed?! … And all his Mom has to say is that she’s Laughing Out Loud?!  Fed up, he text-ed his Mom: “What was up with the LOL?”  his text said.   “I just wanted to send you Lot’s Of Love because I know how disappointed you must be.”

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Take Turns Joke

Posted in Old People Jokes

While working the lunch shift at a local restaurant, I watched as an elderly couple ate.  It seemed as if the man was the only one eating.  First his appetizer, then his main, and then finally his dessert.  All the while with his wife just looking on, not even touching her food.  Confused, I approached the woman and asked if there was anything I could get for her.  “No thank you,” came her answer, “it’s his turn for the teeth.”

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