The Men’s Rules

      Birthdays and anniversaries should not be challenges to see if we can again find the perfect present for you.


      Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.


      Sunday is sports day. It’s like gravity or a full moon or gravity. Let it be.


      Just ask for what you want. Let’s be clear on this. Subtle hints don’t work. Nor do strong or even obvious hints. So just simply tell us what you want.


      We don’t remember dates. So write birthdays and anniversaries on the calendar and remind us frequently before the event.


      Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl now, so if it’s up, don’t moan, just put it down. We need it up and you never hear us complaining when you leave it down.


      Shopping is not a sport and we are never, ever going to think of it as such.


      Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to most questions.


      Christopher Columbus didn’t need directions and neither do we.


      Only come to us with a problem if you really want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends do.


      Anything we said over 3 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.


      If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us. We won’t answer.


      Most men own at most three pairs of shoes. So what makes you think we’re any good at helping you decide which pair of your shoes, out of forty, goes best with your dress?


      If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.


      Men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour and we have no idea what mauve is.


      We are not mind readers and never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.


      If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.


      When we have to go out somewhere, anything you wear is fine. Really.


      If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.


    Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don’t mind that, it’s like camping.
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