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Enjoy our collection of long jokes, after all that’s what they are here for!

The Honest Lawyer?

The city miser was on his death bed, as his last request he asked to be alone with his lawyer, doctor, and priest. “I know I am going to die” he said ” and I would like to take my money with me, so I am going to give each of you $150,000 and I want you to each make sure the money gets in the coffin.”

It was a few days after the funeral when the priest over flowing with guilt finally confided to the other two that he only put $100,000 back. “I’m glad you brought it up” said the doctor, “because I have also been feeling guilty, I only put $80,000 back.”

“You people should be ashamed of yourselves” stormed the lawyer “stealing money like that, am I the only honest person here? Here look at this” he said pulling out his check book, “look I wrote out a check for the full $150,000!”

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Posted in Clever Jokes, Lawyer Jokes, Long Jokes

Just Being Practical

A man wasn’t feeling well so he went to the doctor. After examining him the doctor took his wife aside, and said, “your husband has a very sensitive heart. I am afraid he’s not going to make it, unless you treat him like a king, which means you are at his every beck and call, 24 hours a day and that he doesn’t have to do anything himself. On the way home the husband asked with a note of concern “what did he say?” “Well”, the lady responded, “he said it looks like you probably won’t make it.”

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Posted in Doctor Jokes, Long Jokes

The Addicted Golf Player

Two guys were playing golf, one of them was about to swing the golf club when he noticed a funeral procession going by on the street. The man stopped in mid-swing and closed his eyes and said a short prayer. The other man truly inspired, remarked, clearing his throat, “wow that was one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen.” “Well”, the other man said “I was married to her for 35 years.”

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Posted in Golf Jokes, Long Jokes, Sports Jokes
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One Way To Save Money

A man named Marty called his son. “Harry I have news to tell you, I know it’s going to upset you but I have made up my mind and there is nothing you can do about it. I have decided to divorce your mother.” “But dad how can that be “the son asked “you have been married for 40 years, and you always seemed to get along? What happened suddenly?” “Son, I have made up my mind, and I don’t want you to try to convince me out of it.” “OK” the son responded “but promise me you won’t do anything until I come and talk to you in person, and I am going to ask all of the siblings to fly in also.”Alright” said the father hanging up “you have my word. “Well” said Marty, turning to his wife “I got them all to come in and I didn’t even have to pay for the tickets.”

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Posted in Clever Jokes, Long Jokes

The Cheaper Solution

A lady went to a psychiatrist complaining of a terrible phobia. “Every time I lay down on my bed I get this terrible fear that there is something underneath. “Wow” responded the psychiatrist “I’ve never heard of such a phobia, but like all phobias it can be treated, but it will likely take around 20 sessions.” “OK” responded the lady “how much is each session?” “Oh it’s just $80 a session, but trust me it’s well worth it.” When the lady didn’t come back to the psychiatrist he gave the lady a call. “How come I didn’t hear from you? He asked.” “Well” responded the lady “when I came home and told my husband about the cost he thought he would save some money, he just cut the legs off the bed!”

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Posted in Long Jokes, Phobia Jokes

Dirty Restaurant Joke

A couple walked into a cheap looking restaurant. As they were about to sit down they noticed there were crumbs on the seat, after cleaning up the seat and wiping down the table they sat down. A waitress came over asking them what they wanted, “I’ll just take a coffee” said the man, “me too” said the lady “and make sure the cup is clean.” The waitress returned with their drinks “OK” she said placing down their cups “now, which one of you wanted the clean cup”.

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Posted in Funny Stories, Long Jokes

Lord Or No Lord?

A religious women upon waking up each morning would open her front door stand on the porch and scream, “Praise the lord.” This infuriated her atheist neighbor who would always make sure to counter back, “there is no Lord.” One morning the atheist neighbor overheard his neighbor praying for food, thinking it would be funny, he went and bought her all sorts of groceries and left them on her porch. The next morning the lady screamed, “praise the Lord, who gave me this food.” The neighbor laughing so hard he could barely get the words out screamed “it wasn’t the Lord, it was me.” The lady without missing a beat screamed “praise the Lord for not only giving me food but making the atheist pay for it!!

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Posted in Atheist Jokes, Long Jokes

The Annoying Duck Joke

A duck walks into a bar, and asks the bartender, “do you have any grapes?” “Nope” responded the bartender, “try somewhere else.” The duck walks out and back in, “do you sell grapes?” “I told you already I don’t” responded the bartender, “stop bothering me.” The duck walks back out and then back in again, “stop right where you are” the bartender screams “you ask me again if I have grapes I will take a hammer and nail your feet to the floor.” The duck walks out and then back in again, “do you sell nails?” he asks “No” responded the bartender.” “Do you sell grapes????

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Rating: 3.1/5 (187 votes cast)

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Posted in Clever Jokes, Long Jokes

Good Men Are Hard To Find!

A lady rubbed a bottle and a genie  popped out. “You have one wish” said the genie. “Hey” countered the lady “I thought I get three wishes?” “Not from  me” said the genie “I’m not that powerful.” “OK” responded the lady taking out a map, “I am making a wish for  peace between this country……… .” “I’m really sorry” said the genie,  “but I am not powerful enough for that.”  “That’s fine” said the lady, “instead I would like to find a cool, caring man, who loves children, and cooking.” The genie sighed and said “alright….. let me see that map again.”

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Posted in Genie Jokes, Long Jokes, Men Jokes

It’s Never Too Late

Two oldies got engaged, and as they were strolling down the street excitedly planning there wedding they passed a drugstore. “Excuse me” the man said to the clerk, “Do you sell medicine for memory problems?” “Sure” replied the clerk “all kinds.” “How about for arthritis?” “Yup” replied the clerk. “Wheelchairs, walkers, adult diapers?” “Yeah”, replied the clerk, all kinds. “OK excellent” said the man “because we are getting married next month, and we want to use you as our Bridal Registry.” -Azi Deutch

 

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Posted in Long Jokes, Old People Jokes
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