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Although it is not necessarily true with other jokes, it’s quite clear that the popularity of marriage jokes stems mostly from nervous men who are uneasy about making a commitment. Apparently, joking about how bad marriage is helps ease some of the queasiness. So by all means; men, please laugh with our collection of marriage jokes, marriage puns, and marriage quotes.If you’re nervous ,we hope it helps. If you’re a lady or a chilled man who just wants a good laugh please enjoy, you won’t be disappointed.

photo credit: BaylorBear78

The Man Of The House Joke

A man was married to a woman whose commands to her husband were as sharp as the bite of a barracuda.

It wasn’t so much that he was a coward, or too timid to talk back, but you know how it is…let’s keep peace in the family.

One day the wife invited a group from the local women’s club to her house for tea and discussions. To make sure that her husband did not interrupt the goings-on, she ordered him into the closet and sternly told him to stay there until the last lady had left.

During their bridge game, the ladies of the club spoke of the authority they wielded over respective husbands. Not to be outdone, the hostess informed the others that not only had she ordered her husband into the closet, but she could order him to come out, at will.

“I’ll prove it,” she boasted.

“Bob!” she commanded, “come out of that closet!”

No response.

“Bob!” she called in a louder voice, “come out of that closet this instant!”

Nothing.

“Bob!” she screamed at the top of her lungs, “I order you to get out of that closet this instant!”

“No, I won’t!” came her husband’s muffled cry from inside the closet. “I’ll show you who’s boss in this house!”

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Posted in Husband Jokes, Marriage Jokes, Relationship Jokes

Master Of The House Joke

A solicitor for the Red Cross called upon a well-to-do young couple for a donation. Hearing a commotion inside he knocked extra-loudly on the door.
A somewhat disheveled man admitted him in. “What can I do for you?” he growled, clearly upset about something.
“I would like to speak to the master of the house,” said the solicitor politely.
“Then you’re just in time,” barked the young man. “My wife and I are settling that very question right now!”

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Posted in Husband Wife Jokes, Marriage Jokes, Relationship Jokes

Differences between Men and Women

• Women have more imagination than men. They need it to tell men how wonderful they are.
• Women have a number of faults. Men have only two – everything they say and everything they do.
• A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
• Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
• When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. When men are depressed, they invade another country.
• A man is a person who will pay £2 for a £1 item he wants. A woman, however, will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn’t want.
• Diamonds are a girl’s best friend. Dogs are a man’s best friend. Now you know which sex is smarter.
• It’s not true that men prefer foolish women. Rather they prefer women who can pretend to be foolish whenever necessary, which is the very core of intelligence.
• Men always want to be a woman’s first love. Women have a more subtle instinct: What they like is to be a man’s last romance.
• To be happy with a man, a woman must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, a man must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
• A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change and she does.
• Men marry because they are tired; women marry because they are curious. Both are disappointed.
• A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband, while a man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
• A woman will always cherish the memory of the man who wanted to marry her; a man will always cherish the memory of the woman who he didn’t.
• There are two times when a man doesn’t understand a woman – before marriage and after marriage.
• Only two things are necessary for a man to do to keep his wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.
• Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
• Any married man should forget his mistakes – it’s no use two people remembering the same thing.
• Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke.
• Husbands are like cars: all are good the first year.
• A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

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Posted in Husband Wife Jokes, Marriage Jokes, Men Jokes, Women Jokes
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Wife Stress Joke

Harry had been feeling sick lately and was finally convinced to see the Doctor after his wife Suzy’s urging. After a thorough examination, and much thought, the Doctor was ready to tell Harry and a very worried Suzy, his prognosis. Harry was too stressed out. He would need 6 months of pure relaxation. Suzy, very agitated, took out her notepad to begin writing down his list of orders for these months of relaxation. “How should I go about it?” asked Harry. “OK” said the doctor “I would like your wife to take one tranquilizer four times a day…”

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Posted in Husband Wife Jokes, Marriage Jokes, Wife Jokes

The Happiest Day Joke

Harry was finally a  groom and was very excited about his upcoming marriage.  He was on his way out of the office when his boss came over to him with an outstretched hand, “congratulations Harry, I just wanted to tell you I’ve been married for twenty two years, and I am sure that you will always remember this day with the fondest of memories, as the happiest day of your life.” “But sir”, said Harry, “a little bit confused, I’m not getting married until tomorrow!”   “Yeah,  I know”, said his boss.

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Posted in Marriage Jokes, Wedding Jokes

Flower Joke

Harry and Barbra’s marriage has been on the rocks for a while, so when they hear about a marriage seminar being given in their neighborhood they decide to attend. “One of the most important things in marriage”, said the speaker, “is to get to really know your spouse well. For example,” continued the speaker, “How many of you know what’s your wife’s favorite type of flower?” Harry leaned over to Barbara and whispered, “it’s gold medal all-purpose flour isn’t it?”

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Posted in Husband Jokes, Husband Wife Jokes, Marriage Jokes

Joy Of Marriage Joke

Marriage is like a bar of soap. It smells delicious until you take a bite out of it!

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Posted in Marriage Jokes, One Liners, Wedding Jokes

Who’s Listening Joke

In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

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Posted in Marriage Jokes

Marriage Thought

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.

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Posted in Marriage Jokes

Marriage Quote

Married men should forget their mistakes. There is no need for two people, to remember the same thing.

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Posted in Funny Sayings, Marriage Jokes
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