Listen a job is a job, we all need to find away to put bread on the table don’t we? To make a long story short I’m a telemarketer that’s my job and that’s what I do.
It’s not a job everyone appreciates, but it’s a job I enjoy and am proud of.
The other day I called a house and a real nice lady answered the phone, she was really helpful and friendly, she was the type of lady that helps a telemarketer get through a long day. After some pleasantries I asked if Mr. Smith was in, “I’m sorry”, she answered “I’m afraid he doesn’t live here anymore.”
Now that was a real disappointment being that she was a nice lady and all, but I took it all in a stride, “I’m sorry to hear that ma’am. Do you happen to have his new number.”
“Sure thing!” The woman cheerfully replied, listing off his new number.
I hung up the phone and quickly called the new number and was surprised to hear a recording.
“Thank you for calling Green Acres Cemetery…”
“Hi Sarah, listen I only have a minute. I’m about to get picked up for a blind date, can you call me in a half hour just in case it’s going bad? Yes? Ok great! We’ll speak.”
Raquel gave herself a quick spray of perfume, checked herself out one more time in the mirror, and headed outside to wait for the guy.
Sure enough after twenty minutes Raquel was discreetly checking her watch. After ten more long minutes her phone finally buzzed.
Raquel listened for a few seconds, grimly pursed her lips, and turned to her date, “I feel terrible, but my Grandmother is terribly sick, and I must go home now .”
“No problem!” Said her date with a big grin, “in a few more minutes my dog was going to get run over!”
“Excuse me sir,” said the man to one of the stewards on an Amtrak Train, “I always get nauseous when I go on trains, so I am going to to take a heavy sleeping pill, but please do whatever you can to make sure I get off when it stops in Baltimore. I really don’t want to miss my great aunt’s funeral.” “Sure thing!” said the steward happily, we’ll make you sure you get off!”
Six hours later the train stopped in Washington D.C. and the man jumped out of his seat in a panic, “WHAT THE HECK! I ASKED YOU TO WAKE ME UP IN BALTIMORE!”
“Oh boy! He looks mad!” Remarked the fellow behind him to his wife.
“Not half as mad as that other guy they carried off back in Baltimore.” She whispered back.
Brian’s stress level was at unsurpassed levels. His wife Maggie was in labor and Brian was sure it was time to head to the hospital. Breathing heavily, Brian grabbed the phone and called the doctor. “MY WIFE, SHE’S READY, SHOULD WE COME?” The doctor tried to relax the poor fellow, “just try to relax, now tell me how much time elapses between the contractions?” “SHIRLEY!” Brian screamed on the top of his lungs, “HOW MUCH TIME IN BETWEEN THE CONTRACTIONS? TEN MINUTES? OK, TEN MINUTES IN BETWEEN!”
“And is this her first child?” Questioned the doctor. “NO YOU STUPID NITWIT, THIS IS HER HUSBAND!”
I was coming back from visiting my son in my Miami and I stopped at a rest stop to use the bathroom. I just sat down on the toilet when I heard a voice coming from the stall next to mine, “Hey! How’s it going?” Although I was quite surprised, and I wasn’t in the habit of conversing to the people next to me in the stall, I nevertheless answered him, “I’m fine” I said “thanks for asking.”
“What are you doing?” Asked the same voice. To be honest I was a bit taken aback by the brazenness of this fellow, but I would never ignore anyone so I calmly answered, “I’m releaving myself.”
Then I heard the same voice again, “I’m going to have to call you back, some smart-aleck is answering all of my questions.”
A man and his wife were going for a stroll one night when they spotted what was obviously a blind man taking a walk on the other side of the street with his seeing eye dog.
“Wow! Isn’t that something!” remarked the wife, “look at that man taking a stroll just like us.”
They continued strolling for a few minutes longer when they heard the man let out a loud yelp. The dog had walked him right into a parked car and he had clearly banged his shin pretty hard. Rushing over to help, they were surprised to see the man reach into his pocket and pull out a treat for the dog.
“Isn’t that weird?” whispered the wife, “giving him a treat even when he’s mad.”
“Why are you giving him a treat?” questioned the husband.
“I AINT GIVING HIM A TREAT!” said the enraged man, “I’M JUST TRYING TO FIND OUT WHERE HIS HEAD IS, SO I CAN GIVE HIM A SHARP KICK IN THE BEHIND!
There were no two ways about it. Rosie was fat. Very fat. “Martha”, said Rosie to her best friend, “it was terrible what happened yesterday after the birthday party. You know how half of the birthday cake was left over? Well, I knew Bob would be fuming at me for eating it,with my diet and all, but I couldn’t help myself, it started with just a small nibble and before I knew it the whole cake was gone!.”
“Oh my!” clucked Martha, “was Bob really upset?”
“He never found it”, responded Rosie with a full double chin smile, “I just baked another cake and ate half of it!”
Lauren was frustrated. She had complained dozens of times to her daughter about her newest gag of kissing the bathroom mirror immediately after applying lipstick, but it was all to no avail. Finally, one day after spending a half hour scrubbing the mirror, only to find another kiss mark an hour later, Lauren had enough. “Lizzy!” she hollered, “What?” came her daughter’s reply through her bedroom door. I can’t find the toilet brush that I’ve been using to clean the bathroom mirror. Do you have any idea where it is?”
After hearing the gagging from behind the bedroom door, Lauren knew her days of cleaning kiss marks off of mirrors were over.
I was in Target with my wife when my wife said, “you know, I feel like Billy is too big to still be wearing Micky Mouse underwear, don’t you think he should be wearing something more manly, like superman underwear?”
All it took was a shrug of my shoulders and there were nine new pairs of underwear in the cart.
I didn’t realize how right my wife was until I heard an excited holler coming from my sons room, “WooHoo finally some adult underwear!“
“Honey!” screamed my wife, running outside to my bike once again, “did you double check that Herbie’s seat is attached securely?!”
“Yeah let me check that just one more time” I muttered, checking the seat for what must have been the tenth time.
“OK”, I said nervously, to my two year old Herby, “are you ready for your first bike ride?”
“Let me just check your helmet again…perfect ..now your knee pads..good… now your elbow pads..perfect.”
And with that, I lifted my foot to get on top of the bike, and nailed my two year old smack in the jaw!